Anger's Ugly Step-Children

No one has to teach us how to be angry. We're born with it. Just watch intants crying for their milk. They soon discover that if they cry louder and longer, parents come more quickly with the milk! Anger is part of our limbic system which houses our emotions.

Sometimes it feels good to be angry, because it's a release of energy. Sometimes anger is justified when we react against violence, abuse, unfairness.

At other times, holding onto anger is so counter-productive that it produces ugly step-children like severe headaches, gastro-intestinal problems, tight muscles, passive-aggressive behavior and more.

We've seen our fair share of anger in divorce mediation cases and in our counseling practice. Helping people get to the other side (and sometimes even to forgiveness) is the challenge.

Buddha once said, "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; but you are the one getting burned."

To learn more about anger management in counseling, visit www.ncsmediation.com.

Getting focused in mediation

Recently, local author and communication coach Connie Dieken wrote that when giving a presentation, a speaker should do three things: "Pinpoint the problem, offer a solution and challenge the audience to take action." It occurred to me that these three elements are also involved in helping clients focus during mediation sessions.

1. The problem is identified. Each party states what he/she wants or expects, eg., I want a divorce, the house, full custody of the kids. Or, I want my mother to go to a nursing home, even though my sister thinks she can take care of mom at home. The mediator makes sure that all parties are clear on what each wants initially.

2. Solutions are considered. Parties brainstorm on any number of options as the mediator continues to guide the conversation.

3. Time to take action. Following brainstorming, the ideas on the table are sorted out. Some are eliminated, others are considered as "possible." The mediator facilitates continued discussion until the parties choose the best possible outcome that everyone can live with, and an agreement is reached to act on.

At times mediation sessions take only a few hours; others may continue through the day or longer until agreement is reached. In either case, the process of mediation is a solid experience in keeping focused and walking out with a "win-win" feeling.

An interesting day

Big news: Mubarak steps down.
Encouraging news: Gabby Giffords is improving daily.
Surpising news: The Cavs won!
Business news: Stimulating meeting with city-wide group today.
Personal news: An act of kindness I received.

My friend and I were driving to the meeting, and she slowed the car to look for street parking. An older man who was leaving a nearby building saw us and motioned that he was leaving his spot. I rolled down the window, and he said he'd wait for us to drive around the block until he exited the parking place. It was a simple gesture of charity that only this stranger and we knew about.

Amidst all the other news of the day, this is my take away. Now to pay it forward.

Acting Out: What Mediators Can Do To Help Parties Stop Reliving The Past And Start Working Together

This article offers some good tips for new and seasoned mediators.

Acting Out: What Mediators Can Do To Help Parties Stop Reliving The Past And Start Working Together

What holds mediators back?

I read an interesting article by Paulette Ensign who has built an industry with her Tips Booklet ideas. After reading her materials, I was inspired last year to write my own booklet, 88 Tips for Shy Introverts: Becoming Personally and Professionally Assertive.
Now the challenge is to market them.

Paulette talks about checking in with the "Committee in my head" which can hold me back from taking the marketing/sales piece seriously. Perhaps that is why my stack of almost 3,000 booklets is still hanging around.

Applying her insights to the growth of mediators' practices, here are some ideas that may hold us back. The Committee in my Head may say things like:

* I'm a mediator, not a marketer.
* No one knows about mediation; I just need to wait until the field hits big.
* I don't know how to write media releases to get the word out.
* I can't afford to (get a website, upgrade my site, hire someone to help market, etc.)
* I'm too shy when it comes to networking.
* I'm a new mediator and need more experience first.

Get the picture? We make excuses that hold us back from learning more, from surrounding ourselves with experts who can help us, from putting in the time required to build a mediation practice, from thinking outside the box.

Is your Committee holding you back? If so, what will you do about it? Take the action step to call one person for a free consultation (perhaps a seasoned mediator or SEO expert or writer) today. Perhaps it's time to kick out the old committee members and get them replaced with positive thinkers.

How can I use a mediator's certificate?

A question we often hear is, "What kind of job opportunities are there if I become a mediator?"

The short answer is, "Don't give up your day job." Having said that, there are many advantages to becoming a mediator sooner than later.

1. Because mediation is as yet an unregulated field, there are no state boards or orals. Once you complete a Basic Mediation course, you can legitimately call yourself a mediator. Most mediators also take additional coursework in areas in which they want to specialize, e.g., divorce and family, elder, real estate,faith-based, healthcare, business, etc.
2. Many courts are now hiring mediators, though you will need additional course work above the Basic class.
3. Employees in fields such as customer service and human relations become more marketable, because employers recognize you have more advanced skills in conflict resolution.
4. As the population ages, so does the demand for Elder Mediators if this is a niche market you prefer.
5. Job postings for mediators are available on sites such as www.mediate.com and others both in the US and internationally.
6. Attorneys who become trained mediators have a built-in referral stream to their pracitces.
7. If you think outside the box, you can use your mediator training to give community presentations on topics related to conflict resolution, communication skills such as effective listening, peacemaking in neighborhoods and more. This exposure helps educate the public and create some interest in your mediation practice for referrals.
8. To gain post-certificate experience, many community mediation centers or ADR groups welcome volunteers.
9. You can join local, state or national mediation groups to network and learn more about the field.
10. Major media outlets including TV (Fairly Legal), The Washington Post, The New York Times, Kaiser Newsletter, Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal and others are helping to publicize mediation by their stories. Free publicity is always a help to local mediators who can parlay national stories into community coverage by your contacting them.

Our 2011 Basic Mediation classes are listed on www.ncsmediation.com. The first course begins March 18-19. Seating is limited to 13, so if you are interested, please register soon.

Is this Hope I'm Feeling?

Almost 24 hours later, and Egypt's "Day of Departure" was a surprise. Comparable to the U.S. Million Man March on DC., tens of thousands of peaceful demonstrators are still standing--some bandaged and wounded, some holding signs, and most with looks of hope on their faces. One reporter's blog read, "Fear has been defeated. There's no turning back."

From last night's reports, I expected a day of terror in anticipation of the scheduled demonstration. Instead, I feel some hope that the Egyptian people will be heard. Most want President Mubarak to leave now. They don't want outsiders to make decisions for them. These are basic principles of mediation. People get a voice, and they make their own decisions. My hope is that somehow Mubarak will listen to his people and be able to leave with a sense of dignity, showing them that he can lead them through this crisis.

Cairo in Crisis

It's 2 A.M., and I'm not sure where I'm going with this...just random thoughts and feelings as I sit in our comfortable family room on a peaceful February morning watching Anderson Cooper and other journalists "reporting from an undisclosed location" in Egypt.

One Egyptian commentator (Mr. Ajami) said yesterday that the people didn't think they had enough room in their hearts for more heartbreak. Yet their peaceful demonstrations beginning 10 days ago have now taken a nasty turn as of yesterday. It's hard for me to wrap my arms around the violent images shown on CNN and elsewhere. How is it I am so blessed to be this safe, this protected, this peaceful while a world away others fight for democracy by civil disobedience and in some cases fight for their lives?

As a mediator, I'm trained to look for the win-win in conflict without going to war with each other. This seems so remote at the moment for the 80 million people of Egypt. While I go to bed soon and absorb the lovely silence of the night, I am struck by images of protesters in Cairo breaking up concrete streets into chunks to use as weapons and of a van blatantly mowing down pedestrians.

This crisis is hardly something to sleep on. I still pray for peace this day.

Fairly Legal Review

Following is a review written by Dr. John Bertschler (my hubby):

Mediation finally reached the small screen in the form of “Fairly Legal,” which premiered January 20 (10:00 PM, USA). In case you haven’t seen it, permit me to offer one mediator’s observations and comments. In no particular order, here are some of the things Hollywood wants us to know about the practice of mediation.

1. Mediators, their associates and clients are all smokin’ hot (OK, time to find another career already).
2. We believe that truth and justice are more important than the law (this is a subversive idea that I endorse, with reservations).
3. We can be imaginative and creative in getting disputants to see things in a different light (hey, I like that one).
4. We should break the law, if need be, to see that justice is served (uh, no).
5. Being peacemakers, we are sure to drop whatever we’re doing to barge into the middle of other people’s conflicts, even if that means violent street crime (again, I don’t think so).
6. We philosophically disagree with win-lose “solutions” and encourage people to work toward win-win agreements (this one is true).
7. We’re happy to tell disputants what a fair solution would be. In fact, we’re so sure of it, we can write up the Memorandum of Understanding in advance, then manipulate the disputants to endorse what we’ve already written up, and have them sign it without reading it (let me get back to you on this one).
8. If we fail to get disputants to a full agreement, we can be cited for contempt of court (I’m pretty sure that’s not quite right).

Of course Hollywood’s version is not completely realistic and in some cases is just wrong. Nonetheless the show is entertaining and watchable, and we can be grateful that the profession is getting some notoriety and some time in the public eye.

We can only hope that when a potential client calls a mediator, he/she will get the straight goods about how mediation works in real life.

The lessons of Tucson

Is it about gun control? vitriolic rhetoric? mental illness? congressional civility? Since the shooting of Representative Gabrielle Giffords, we've seen and heard hundreds of reports, editorials, commentators and water cooler discussions on the topic of "what caused this."

While I believe that all these are significant topics, nothing is going to change the fact that people can get guns on the street, that mental illness is here to stay despite our best efforts to help the sufferers, and that no matter how much politicians and others tone down their conversations, we have not gotten to the heart of the problem.

America accepts violence as a way of life. Not the only way, but a way. We live in a culture in which bullying, road rage, domestic violence, drugs, shootings and what one commentator called "ideological bloodsport" in smear campaigns make daily headlines. We tend to turn the other way until it happens to us. And then for a time we play nice, and return to our old ways.

Thomas Jefferson said in his March 4, 1801 Inaugural Address, "Every difference of opionion is not a difference of priciple." This is what mediators and other ADR practioners help clients learn. That we can find common ground; that we can resolve differences by focusing on the best possible outcome for all involved; that conflict resolution does not have to involve guns, slaps, jabs, slurs or other forms of violence.

America needs, as the Chicago Tribune editorial writes, to learn "quality conflict resolution with the ammo."