Cost of litigated divorce vs. divorce mediation in Cuyahoga County

Of course costs will vary in the United States depending on the area of the country. West coast prices are generally much higher than east coast. A mediator colleague in California, for example, told me that fees begin at $400/hour there. In the east, the average range is $100 - $250 per hour.

Recently, a Cleveland attorney wrote that the range of a litigated divorce is between $20,000 - $70,000 in Cuyahoga County. However, a mediated dissolution generally costs less than $2,000.

What we find raises the cost is not the complexity of a person's portfolio, but the amount of anger and desire for revenge in some couples. Sometimes this involves money settlements; other times, sadly, it involves children.

We offer a free monthly seminar called "Without Becoming Enemies" for those who wish to inquire about divorce mediation. Visit www.ncsmediation.com for dates and times.

Anger's Ugly Step-Children

No one has to teach us how to be angry. We're born with it. Just watch intants crying for their milk. They soon discover that if they cry louder and longer, parents come more quickly with the milk! Anger is part of our limbic system which houses our emotions.

Sometimes it feels good to be angry, because it's a release of energy. Sometimes anger is justified when we react against violence, abuse, unfairness.

At other times, holding onto anger is so counter-productive that it produces ugly step-children like severe headaches, gastro-intestinal problems, tight muscles, passive-aggressive behavior and more.

We've seen our fair share of anger in divorce mediation cases and in our counseling practice. Helping people get to the other side (and sometimes even to forgiveness) is the challenge.

Buddha once said, "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; but you are the one getting burned."

To learn more about anger management in counseling, visit www.ncsmediation.com.

Blocking the Box

I'd never heard that term, blocking the box, until I read it in today's Cleveland Plain Dealer. It refers to cars that block an intersection, the light turns red, and gridlock occurs. Of course I've seen it happen, but yesterday's snowstorm in downtown Cleveland packed a mighty punch, and drivers were stuck in gridlock for 3 and 4 hours on their commute home.

In part this could be blamed on little if any police or public safety planning. The underlying issue in my opinion has to do with selfishness. Needing to get ahead no matter who is inconvenienced. Needing to disregard rules as we inch along in life toward our own goal--whether it be getting home in a snow storm, cheating financially, looking the other way when someone is being bullied.

We can all learn a lesson from yesterday's storm and the ensuing anger caused by some selfish drivers. Give a little. Back off. Defer to another. Be patient. Think of someone else first.

The art of effective listening

"You can't shake hands with a clenched fist" as Ghandhi says. And yet so many conversations are "clenched." People put their dukes up and come out swinging, each believing he/she has the right punch to justify the argument.

Steven Shapiro, author of Effective Listening, writes about four steps that make for a good listener.

First ATTEND to the speaker. Use good eye contact, stop reading the paper or whatever you're doing and really hear what the other says.

Second REFLECT FEELING. For example, if the speaker is angry, say something like, "I can hear how upsetting this is to you."

Third, CLARIFY what was said by 1) paraphrasing the speaker's message or by 2) asking for clarity by saying, "Have I left anything out?" or "I'm not sure what you mean by that."

Finally, RESPOND by making your point based on all you just heard.

Unfortunately, most people use only half the steps. We attend (listen) and respond (make my own argument with no concern for another's feelings). Rather than dissipating the argument, we often fuel it with even more anger to make ourselves heard.

I find that the most important step is #2...letting the other person know that we recognize their anger, fear, passion, concern and aren't just about making sure my argument (response) is a better one!