McParents vs. McDonalds

Parents who apPARENTly can't say no are challenging McDonalds with a lawsuit over Happy Meals.

Clearly a case of children who rule the roost. Try a "value meal" of preparing a dinner of baked chicken, salad and broccoli for the kids. After dinner, they can play with the dozens (hundreds?) of toys they already have at home.

When did the child become the parent?

He had a vendetta

Today's news carries the story of Clay Duke, the disgruntled ex-convict who tried to shoot three school board members at a meeting in Panama City. His last Facebook entry seems based on the movie Vendetta and carries his manifesto of hate.

What complicates this matter is that Duke was diagnosed with adult onset Bipolar Disorder. No one knows at this writing if he was taking his medication or not. My suspicion is "not."

What inspires me is the bravery of the Board President who tried to sacrifice himself by asking Duke to release the others, and the female board member who returned after her release from the hostage-taking to attempt to hit the gun from Duke's hand with her purse. In a culture which is so often painted with the broad brushes of selfishness, narcissism and egoism, it is refreshing (albeit sad) to see this level of courage and other-centeredness by the two board members.

Blocking the Box

I'd never heard that term, blocking the box, until I read it in today's Cleveland Plain Dealer. It refers to cars that block an intersection, the light turns red, and gridlock occurs. Of course I've seen it happen, but yesterday's snowstorm in downtown Cleveland packed a mighty punch, and drivers were stuck in gridlock for 3 and 4 hours on their commute home.

In part this could be blamed on little if any police or public safety planning. The underlying issue in my opinion has to do with selfishness. Needing to get ahead no matter who is inconvenienced. Needing to disregard rules as we inch along in life toward our own goal--whether it be getting home in a snow storm, cheating financially, looking the other way when someone is being bullied.

We can all learn a lesson from yesterday's storm and the ensuing anger caused by some selfish drivers. Give a little. Back off. Defer to another. Be patient. Think of someone else first.

The art of effective listening

"You can't shake hands with a clenched fist" as Ghandhi says. And yet so many conversations are "clenched." People put their dukes up and come out swinging, each believing he/she has the right punch to justify the argument.

Steven Shapiro, author of Effective Listening, writes about four steps that make for a good listener.

First ATTEND to the speaker. Use good eye contact, stop reading the paper or whatever you're doing and really hear what the other says.

Second REFLECT FEELING. For example, if the speaker is angry, say something like, "I can hear how upsetting this is to you."

Third, CLARIFY what was said by 1) paraphrasing the speaker's message or by 2) asking for clarity by saying, "Have I left anything out?" or "I'm not sure what you mean by that."

Finally, RESPOND by making your point based on all you just heard.

Unfortunately, most people use only half the steps. We attend (listen) and respond (make my own argument with no concern for another's feelings). Rather than dissipating the argument, we often fuel it with even more anger to make ourselves heard.

I find that the most important step is #2...letting the other person know that we recognize their anger, fear, passion, concern and aren't just about making sure my argument (response) is a better one!

Fears of Mediation in the Workplace

Yesterday, I read an interesting post on mediate.com by Clive Lewis, MBA, a mediator and past HR director in the UK. He discussed four reasons why CEOs and workforce decision-makers are afraid to try mediation.

1. It's easier to ignore the conflict than address it. 2. If I admit to conflict, I admit to failure as a manger/director, etc. 3. It's easier for corporate to throw money at someone to make the problem go away. 4. Poor understanding of how conflict negatively impacts profit margins.

Whether in the UK or in the USA, these irrational fears exist. Until coporate realizes the time and cost savings of mediation, and the millions of dollars wasted in sick pay, poor performance, unhappy workers, slower production and more, we will continue to advance the theory, "If I ignore it, it will go away."

Inside the bullied brain - The Boston Globe

Below is an article by The Boston Globe on the long-range affects of hard core bullying. I see clients in my counseling practice whose confidence levels, decision-making, trust and relationships are impacted by past bullying behavior. A good read...

Inside the bullied brain - The Boston Globe

Finally a TV show about a mediator

I've thought of this for years, but didn't think it would happen. Soon a TV show called "Fairly Legal" starring a lead who is a mediator will be shown. I hope it's a fair representation of the field. Stay tuned!

I'm thankful for...

My faith, my husband who is my best friend, my co-workers Mark, Allie, Susan, Thomas and Debra, our great nieces Brittany and Alyssa and great nephews Kyle and Ryan, our church community, my upbringing by my parents Jim and Alberta.

I'm thankful for our military and all those who have bought us our freedom. I'm thankful that we have a home and live in a safe and kind neighborhood. I'm thankful that I'm a counselor and that I am entrusted with the lives of so many over the years. I'm thankful that as mediators we can help bring a little more peace to our world.

I'm thankful for the little miracles I see in life every day and for all that I can't now recall and that I at times take for granted.

I'm thankful for people who have mentored and helped me along my life's journey: Dr. John Keshock (JCU), Fred Vosen, Dr. Sally Wertheim (JCU), the teachers at NDA, my friend Fr. Tom Johns, my sister Jaye who has become a dear friend, Ann Clark, Terry Whalen, my classmates from St. Michael's who still meet monthly for lunch, Norma Delp, Albert Couch (our mediation teacher), my professional colleagues who have taught me so much. I have left many out, but they are not forgotten in my heart.

It is humbling to have all this and more for which I give thanks. On our wedding day, Fr. Tom told John and me that now together we have even more responsibility to do more for others and that more will be expected of us. We never forget that as we give thanks for abundant blessings.

Painting sells for $42.6M

Is anyone else bothered by this? A Lichtenstein painting, "Ohhh...Alright..." sold for a whopping $42.6M recently. Following that sale, Andy Warhol's Campbell soup can and opener went for a mere $23.9M (disappointing to some apparently who estimated it might go for up to $50M).

Pick a spot. Any spot on earth: Haiti, El Salvador, Appalachia, Africa. Does a painting justify that amount of money when people are struggling just to live through another day?

Don't get me wrong. I love the arts. I just think we should love people more.

2020 Vision - Where In the World Will Mediation Be In 10 Years?

This is a long article by Michael Leathes, but well worth reading for a brief history of mediation and a projection of where the emerging field will be as a profession in 2020.

2020 Vision - Where In the World Will Mediation Be In 10 Years?

Honoring our veterans

Today I took a dear friend who is a Viet Nam veteran (Marine)to lunch. We didn't talk about the war but spent most of the time catching up on family and personal matters. I could have attended one of many Veteran's Day ceremonies throughout the city like I did last year, but today I wanted to personalize it. It's not too late to do something to honor a vet today. Attend a memorial event, surprise her/him with a treat, thank them, say a prayer.

On another matter germaine to the day, why do government employees get a holiday, but veterans go to work? Why is this not a national holiday like Memorial Day?

Hats off to Caregivers

President Obama recently declared November as National Family Caregivers Month. Professional caregivers choose this professional because they have a passion for helping people in need and receive appropriate training. Non-professional caregivers, on the other hand, are often put in a position by default or choose to help their loved ones who are ill or incapacitated, and have little training. They "learn as they go," juggle their own families,careers and commitments along with their caregiver responsibilities.

So blessings on those caregivers who wear so many hats...chauffeur, cook, financial supporter, medicine dispenser, schedule organizer, decision-maker, and often a shoulder to cry on. We tip our hats to you!

Elder Mediation: What's in a Name?

I just came across a 2009 blog by Stephanie West Allen re: our book, Elder Mediation: A New Solution to Age-Old Problems. Believe it or not, I agree with her re: not liking the Elder Mediation (EM) term because 1) it seems lopsided in focus, excluding everyone else involved in the conflict and 2) older adults do not like the term “elder,” especially in America.

However, in researching for our book, we found that the term is fairly well established among mediators. From inside the profession, we all know what it means; for consumers, it’s not commonly known. I think ACR has a new division for EM, but it is called something else that is more inclusive. Since our target market is largely the mediation community, we went with the more familiar term EM.

Who knows what in 50 years it will be called. I like Stephanie West's term intergenerational mediation; have also seen it under family mediation. However, these seem to exclude the organizational issues from nursing home/AL, physician/older adult disputes, funeral home/family disputes, etc. Am looking forward to seeing how the field unfolds and what term “wins out” in the end.

Interestingly, during the last 10 years or so, the topic of what to call people over 60 has come up a lot at professional planning meetings I’ve attended. We’ve asked these folks what they prefer to be called, and many of them can’t agree. Here in Ohio, they don’t like the terms senior, older, golden-ager, elder, late life adult…They’re not sure what to call themselves either!

The dialogue continues...

Dr. John Bertschler featured speaker Nov. 1

eCare Diary

Susan Baida, eCareDiary blogtalk radio host, will interview Dr. John on Monday, November 1, 2 PM EST on the topic of Elder Mediation and caregiver decision-making. Please see link.

Reflection on Chilean Miners Rescue

Last night I was reading James Patterson's novel Cross Country in which the author tells of Alex Cross's horrifying trip to Africa to find a killer of a friend of his and her family. Killings, rapes, slashings, explosions all in the end because of international greed and power. Each incident is filled with terror, tears, screams, agony. While this is a novel, we know that these atrocities occur on a daily basis in many parts of the world.

Juxtaposed with that, I am watching the live video stream of the rescue of the 33 Chilean miners as they ascend from the depths to cheers, high-fives, hugs, kisses and tears of joy. I am amazed at the precision of technical planning, the respect in giving each miner a few minutes with his family, the preparation for psychological transition in the months ahead that went into this rescue. People using their minds and hearts for good on this earth.

My simple take-away, among others, is that we each have a choice to do good or evil during our time here. Most of us are only spectators of the heart-rending rescue in Chile. But we will go to work, interact with our families and cross paths with many people today who are in need of some small act of kindness, a smile, a favor, a shoulder to lean on. I lift up in prayer all those who make a choice for the good in our own corner of the world.

Five Sure-Fire Ways To Cause Conflict At Work

Five Sure-Fire Ways To Cause Conflict At Work

On-Going Lessons of 9/11

As we near the ninth anniversary of the attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, I'm struck by the variety of ways in which people are anticipating 9/11.

Great debate over whether Muslims should build a mosque/community center two blocks from the WTC site has sides quickly forming. President Obama and others believe that because we are after all a free country, relgious groups have rights to build there. At the other end of the spectrum is Pastor Terry Jones, ironically of the Dove World Outreach Church in Gainesville, Florida, who initiated an International Burn the Koran Day.

Muslims themselves are considering how they should appropriately and sensitively celebrate the end of Ramadan which this year coincides with September 10, 11 or 12. Some insist they will not be bullied into changing their celebration of the end of their fast to another date since Muslims follow the Lunar calendar and are not acting out of disrespect; others are open to holding their prayer and festivals on the 10th or 12th out of respect for the tragedy of the 11th.

Still other groups such as the Women Transcending Boundaries initiative are planning A-OK, Acts of Kindness Weekend. Leaders are encouraging citizens to involve themselves in helping a charity or creating a project to help the needy. I'm more in tuned with them.

On the first anniversary of 9/11, I was asked to give a keynote address to a regional Chamber of Commerce group. I found my notes the other day, part of which reflected on the lessons we could learn from that devastating day in our country.

1. Abandon all hope of a better past (L.R. Bollings). I can't change what happened nine years ago, or even last week or a minute ago. I can only hope to change the present. Deepak Chopra in Seven Spiritual Laws of Success calls it "the gift of the present moment."

2. Be kind now. Mother Teresa once said, "I would rather make mistakes in kindness and compassion than work miracles in unkindess and hardness." Don't put off a kindness.

3. Examine my values and set my priorities. If I say I value family and friends yet spend the majority of my time working and taking little time for them, then my true value is work or money. Even if I am working to make money for my family, my value is that upon which I act: my work. The rest is a wish.

4. Concentrate on what I can control. Whether in my business or personal life, it is important to stay focused on my attitude, my decisions, my conversations, my relationships. I have control over the words I choose, over my negativity or positivity, over the quality of my work, over my ethical decisions. I have little immediate control over the terrorists or other evil in this life.

5. Practice mindfulness. Take time each day to become more aware of the little things in life. Slow down my breathing, be aware of the miracle that is this body of mine...or of the green grass...of a child's whimsy...of my need to quiet myself...to reflect...to pray at times.

6. Practice gratitude. If we haven't learn antother thing, it's that we Americans can no longer take for granted so much of what we did in the past: our freedom, our ability to move about without much anxiety or fearfulness, our reliance on even the freshness of the air we breathe. Be grateful. Show that we appreciate our family members, our friends, our ability to earn a living, our health, our freedom to worship, to vote and so much more.

7. Volunteer. I may not have the courage of the firefighters and others who tried to save those in the Towers or who brought down a plane in Pennsylvania, but I can take some time to be a helper in my own right. If you are not already involved in a charity or civic group, start today to find one and take action.

I am certain there are other lessons to learn from 9/11. The permanent mark of that day is something we decide for ourselves.

Forgiveness and Second Chances

I wish I knew Bernie Kosar personally, especially after reading his story by sports writer Terry Pluto (The Plain Dealer, August 14, 2010), “Former quarterback begins second half”. Bernie’s first half of life was full of ups and down…the ups very high (beloved Cleveland Brown’s quarterback from 1985 – 1993, beautiful family, side businesses) and the downs very low (dropped from the team by Coach Bill Belichick mid-season, nasty divorce, bankruptcy).
What I most admire is that Kosar doesn’t hold grudges even against people who changed his life so drastically when he thought he lost everything. This example of forgiveness is one from which we can all learn. Not only has Kosar had a second chance to create a new life, but he has given painful relationships the same respect and courtesy by forgiving.
In our mediation practice, there are times when the question of forgiveness arises…a spouse who apologizes for not speaking to his ex for two years since the divorce and affecting the kids’ relationship; a physician who apologizes for miscommunication with a patient; an older parent who apologizes to his adult children for not being there enough as they were being raised. When the apology is followed by forgiveness of those offended, the seeds of healing are planted.
Of course not every apology is well received and forgiveness is denied the “offender.” But for those who, like Kosar, choose not to hold grudges and give the gift of forgiveness, the second chance is all the sweeter.

Peace is not for wimps

Many famous peacemakers--Martin Luther King, John Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Gandhi, Jesus--have been killed for their efforts. Most of us can give our lives as peacemakers without fear of martyrdom. Author Henri Nouwen says, "Peace is Shalom--well-being of mind, heart and body individually and communally. It can exist in the midst of a war-torn world, even in the midst of unresolved problems and increasing human conflicts." I can be a peacemaker in the simplest, though not necessarily easiest of ways. Really listen to someone I don't care for. Pay attention at work to someone who is hurting and offer a kind word or a prayer. Secretly do an unexpected good deed. Deepak Chopra says in his Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, "Always being a gift." He doesn't mean a purchased one. It could be a smile, a flower, a shoulder to lean on. Find someone today who could use a little peace and bring it.

What Memorial Day Really Means

My dad served in the US Air Force just as WWII ended. He didn't speak much about his days in the military, but it was how he lived, how he and mom raised our family, how he served his church and community that I also honor on Memorial Day. A friend sent this piece about what we owe our veterans. Thank you, Dad and all past and present verterans for giving us so much that we often take for granted.

It is the VETERAN, not the preacher,
who has given us freedom of religion.

It is the VETERAN, not the reporter,
who has given us freedom of the press.

It is the VETERAN, not the poet,
who has given us freedom of speech.

It is the VETERAN, not the campus organizer,
who has given us freedom to assemble.

It is the VETERAN, not the lawyer,
who has given us the right to a fair trial.

It is the VETERAN, not the politician,
who has given us the right to vote.

It is the VETERAN who salutes the Flag.

Check out my @constantcontact newsletter

Check out my @constantcontact newsletter

On getting older

This morning, 350 people attended an Older Adult Day of Reflection Resource Fair at St. Basil Church in Brecksville,Ohio. I was invited as one of the "resources," and since our table was in a prime location near the entrance, I got to chat with about 1/2 the group as they passed by on their way to lunch. Plus I had a bowl of Tootsie Rolls next to my business cards making it harder for them to resist stopping by.

My overall impression of these elders is that they seem to be in a good place--at home in their skin, not worried about what others think of how they look or dress or what kind of job used to have. Most were talkative, aware, kind and appreciative of the morning's Mass with Bishop Pevec, time of reflection, resources available to them and luncheon.

Whether walking on their own, in wheel chairs or with walkers, they showed up. A great lesson for us all. Show up in life. Participate. Smile. Offer a kind word. Crack a joke. Be at home in your own skin. These simple life lessons our elders still teach us.

Got $10?

For the cost of Cover Girl lip color/gloss, a few bags of potato chips or a few Starbucks coffees, you can help the homeless. Some friends of mine published a recipe book (cost $10) and the proceeds all go to Cleveland's Metanoia Hopistality Center--a homeless shelter for men and women which offers lodging, meals, supplies and help with low-income housing. Almost all employees of the Center were once homeless! Their recipe book is called Room at the Table and includes a few recipes from the homeless themselves. If you'd like to order a copy, please contact St. Matthias Church in Parma, Ohio by calling (440) 888-8220. I've already made the Tomato Pie and Spinach Bars...delicious!

Are you shy?

This morning I'm thinking about my great niece Brittany who is 10. She's not at all shy at home, but put her among strangers or ask her if she wants to become an altar server, she reverts to a wall flower. So she has both tendencies right now, and we'll see in the future what her dominant natural preference will be: introvert or extrovert.

While it makes sense that introverted people may be shy, believe it or not, people we might consider extroverted can be shy as well in certain situations.

Some of history’s finest thinkers, artists, musicians and creative developers suffered from social phobia. It is said that Thomas Jefferson gave almost no public speeches because of this. Some of the world’s richest and most successful people are challenged by social phobia, including Microsoft founder Paul Allen and author and Prairie Home Companion radio show host Garrison Keillor, Queen Elizabeth, Johnny Carson and others who would surprise you.

The clinical term for shyness is social phobia, which can manifest itself in a lack of confidence, discomfort in social settings, the inability to think quickly on your feet or more.

While charming in young children, shyness in adults can prove to be a barrier in social and business settings and can lead to missed opportunities for pleasant experiences and career advancement. In addition, a shy person may also be reluctant to be assertive, communicating his or her needs in a way that others treat them with respect.

The good news is that that help is available. With more than 20 years of experience as Professional Clinical Counselor, I've helped many clients learn successful ways to combat their shyness and enrich their personal and professional relationship. You don’t really get over shyness, but there are so many helps for changing shy behaviors and becoming more confident.

As a shy introvert myself, and based on my own experiences struggling with this challenge and the help I've given my clients, I recently published “88 Tips for Shy Introverts: Becoming Personally and Professionally Assertive.” This practical booklet can be used as a guide and checklist to make communication and behavioral changes quickly.


Here are a few tips from the booklet:

#19. Respond to disrespectful remarks by respectfully saying, "I'd never allow anyone to talk to you like that." Then walk away or hang up the phone.

#5. Be decisive. When someone asks your opinion, e.g., where you want to eat lunch or what movies to see, etc., give an answer. Avoid "I don't care" or "whatever" responses.

#10. Compliment a stranger. Become comfortable giving a compliment to someone in the cafeteria, on a bus, in the library. Say, "I love your shoes," or "What a great golf shirt." Putting others at ease is a first step in gaining confidence and setting a comfortable tone for a conversation.

TODAY'S ACTION:

Give a sincere compliment to a stranger at church, in the mall, at a gas station...wherever you are. Notice his/her reaction and how you feel as a result.

Patti's Blog

This is my first blog, so please bear with me as I become more techno-savvy. Professionally, I'm a clinical counselor, mediator, author and presenter.

I look forward to our exchanges, especially if you have tips and practical information to offer our readers.