The Other Tsunami: Children of Divorce

Our hearts and prayers go out to the people of Japan over the recent earthquake, tsunami and nuclear disasters. It's unimaginable to think of so much pain and trauma.

The other tsunami I'm addressing here is the one that floods the hearts, minds and bodies of children who experience their parents' divorce. Though oceans of water are not involved, children are awash in their own devastation, fear of the unknown, sense of helplessness, anxiety over the absent parent, trying to figure out what life will be like in the future.

Writer Kim Leon (University of Missouri, 2004) wrote "What I need from my mom and dad: A child's list of wants."

* I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don't stay involved, I feel like I'm not important and that you don't really love me.
* Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
* I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
* Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don't have to send messages back and forth.
*When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don't say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
* Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

In our mediation practice, we deal weekly with divorcing couples. And now in our own family, a couple has recently divorced after a year-long battle of wills in court. We see the "tsunami effects" in the children--their acting out behavior, tears, moodiness, physicall illnesses of late, tantrums. It takes a lot of patience and love to be their lifeboat, so to speak. If you know a child of divorce, don't be afraid to jump on board to help in the rescue.

Cost of litigated divorce vs. divorce mediation in Cuyahoga County

Of course costs will vary in the United States depending on the area of the country. West coast prices are generally much higher than east coast. A mediator colleague in California, for example, told me that fees begin at $400/hour there. In the east, the average range is $100 - $250 per hour.

Recently, a Cleveland attorney wrote that the range of a litigated divorce is between $20,000 - $70,000 in Cuyahoga County. However, a mediated dissolution generally costs less than $2,000.

What we find raises the cost is not the complexity of a person's portfolio, but the amount of anger and desire for revenge in some couples. Sometimes this involves money settlements; other times, sadly, it involves children.

We offer a free monthly seminar called "Without Becoming Enemies" for those who wish to inquire about divorce mediation. Visit www.ncsmediation.com for dates and times.

The wedding of emotion and reason in mediation

This article by David Brooks (New York Times, 3/7/11) is a good read about the importance of acknowledging and blending emotions into our rational lives. The two are not incompatible, and a seasoned mediator often has to work very hard at reconciling what both parties want (reason) with how they feel (emotion).

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/08/opinion/08brooks.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=Brooks&st=Search