Criminals are better behaved..."

Last month, my friend Charlie Feliciano, Jr. and I were discussing his criminal law practice and our mediation practices' updates. At first I was surprised by his comment that "criminals are better behaved than many court mediations I've handled."

Giving it some thought, I see where he's coming from. The felons and other law-breakers in Charlie's practice know that he is often their one chance at court leniency and a fair trial. They are prepped as to what to wear, what to say or not say, their overall demeanor and courtesy before the judge.

By contrast, many divorcing couples often filled with contempt for their partners, lose all sense of propriety and civility in court before the magistrate or judge. These prolonged diatribes often lead court officials to refer cases to mediation where the bad behavior continues.

We see a huge difference with our private, non-court divorce mediation clients. Some couples are a joy to work with, because they get down to business respectfully with each other and the mediator, and even when emotions run high, they can be reigned back in.

My husband John often says, "Peacemaking is not for wimps." New mediators entering the field must know that they will see their share of the good, the bad and the ugly. Even though criminals may be better mannered in court, we still prefer to help divorcing couples find another way to communicate through mediation--both an art and a science.

Sibling and Divorce Rivalry

A few days ago while visiting family, our 8- and 11-year old great nieces were doing homework and soon began fighting over a sparkly pencil. The older niece declared that her plain pencil was boring and demanded that her sister give her the pretty one. A heated debate, punch in the back and dramatic tears later, the problem was solved when I found a second sparkly pencil. Now they each had their own. I felt pretty good about salvaging the crisis only to hear the girls gearing up for the next round over who wants the pink sparkly pencil vs. the red one.

About a half hour later, our 2- and 4-year old great nephews arrived home from day care. Their tantrums began over who got the McQueen vs. the Thomas the Train sippy cups for their snack time.

And so it continues. These frequent childhood dilemmas become teaching moments about sharing, respect for others during conflict and problem-solving.

You'd think by adulthood, people would have learned these life lessons. Sadly, we often see this type of sibling rivalry morph into divorce rivalry during mediations. Now emotional arguments center on decisions like who gets the dog, the hutch, the vacation home and more.

The conflict isn't about "the stuff." More often it's about getting one's way, hurting the other spouse, a memory connected to the item. It takes a skillful, insightful divorce mediator to peel back the emotional onion and get to the core of the problem so that the childhood concepts of sharing, respect and problem solving can be addressed.

The Other Tsunami: Children of Divorce

Our hearts and prayers go out to the people of Japan over the recent earthquake, tsunami and nuclear disasters. It's unimaginable to think of so much pain and trauma.

The other tsunami I'm addressing here is the one that floods the hearts, minds and bodies of children who experience their parents' divorce. Though oceans of water are not involved, children are awash in their own devastation, fear of the unknown, sense of helplessness, anxiety over the absent parent, trying to figure out what life will be like in the future.

Writer Kim Leon (University of Missouri, 2004) wrote "What I need from my mom and dad: A child's list of wants."

* I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don't stay involved, I feel like I'm not important and that you don't really love me.
* Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
* I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
* Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don't have to send messages back and forth.
*When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don't say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
* Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

In our mediation practice, we deal weekly with divorcing couples. And now in our own family, a couple has recently divorced after a year-long battle of wills in court. We see the "tsunami effects" in the children--their acting out behavior, tears, moodiness, physicall illnesses of late, tantrums. It takes a lot of patience and love to be their lifeboat, so to speak. If you know a child of divorce, don't be afraid to jump on board to help in the rescue.

Cost of litigated divorce vs. divorce mediation in Cuyahoga County

Of course costs will vary in the United States depending on the area of the country. West coast prices are generally much higher than east coast. A mediator colleague in California, for example, told me that fees begin at $400/hour there. In the east, the average range is $100 - $250 per hour.

Recently, a Cleveland attorney wrote that the range of a litigated divorce is between $20,000 - $70,000 in Cuyahoga County. However, a mediated dissolution generally costs less than $2,000.

What we find raises the cost is not the complexity of a person's portfolio, but the amount of anger and desire for revenge in some couples. Sometimes this involves money settlements; other times, sadly, it involves children.

We offer a free monthly seminar called "Without Becoming Enemies" for those who wish to inquire about divorce mediation. Visit www.ncsmediation.com for dates and times.

The wedding of emotion and reason in mediation

This article by David Brooks (New York Times, 3/7/11) is a good read about the importance of acknowledging and blending emotions into our rational lives. The two are not incompatible, and a seasoned mediator often has to work very hard at reconciling what both parties want (reason) with how they feel (emotion).

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/08/opinion/08brooks.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=Brooks&st=Search

Time to Toot Your Own Horn: Gaining Visibility and Advancing Your Career

Time to Toot Your Own Horn: Gaining Visibility and Advancing Your Career

As a shy introvert, my curiosity was piqued when I read this article posted on www.theglasshammer.com.

Women in particular are enculturated to show deference, become caretakers, be team players and more. On the dollar, we still make only 76 cents to every man. No wonder that career self-promotion does not come so easily to women.

I've known and seen three categories of women in the workplace: those who self-promote with grace and humility, those who brag, name-drop and flaunt their "peacock feathers," and those who don't know where to start. Perhaps this article will help.

Mom is no Girl Scout

Did you read the story about the Florida mother who beat up the babysitter for eating her Girl Scout cookies? Her little daughter must be so proud.

What would a mediation between the mother and the cookie monster look like? We often serve cookies to our clients during sessions. I might pass on this one.

Who are mediation decision-makers?

This will be a short post.

In litigation, attorneys make decisions for clients. Win-lose. Sometimes lose-lose depending on how satisfied the clients are.

In arbitration, two sides present their cases, and the arbitrator picks the side that wins. Win-lose.

In mediation, the clients make outcome decisions themselves with the guidance of a mediator who facilitates the process. Win-win.

Anger's Ugly Step-Children

No one has to teach us how to be angry. We're born with it. Just watch intants crying for their milk. They soon discover that if they cry louder and longer, parents come more quickly with the milk! Anger is part of our limbic system which houses our emotions.

Sometimes it feels good to be angry, because it's a release of energy. Sometimes anger is justified when we react against violence, abuse, unfairness.

At other times, holding onto anger is so counter-productive that it produces ugly step-children like severe headaches, gastro-intestinal problems, tight muscles, passive-aggressive behavior and more.

We've seen our fair share of anger in divorce mediation cases and in our counseling practice. Helping people get to the other side (and sometimes even to forgiveness) is the challenge.

Buddha once said, "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; but you are the one getting burned."

To learn more about anger management in counseling, visit www.ncsmediation.com.

Getting focused in mediation

Recently, local author and communication coach Connie Dieken wrote that when giving a presentation, a speaker should do three things: "Pinpoint the problem, offer a solution and challenge the audience to take action." It occurred to me that these three elements are also involved in helping clients focus during mediation sessions.

1. The problem is identified. Each party states what he/she wants or expects, eg., I want a divorce, the house, full custody of the kids. Or, I want my mother to go to a nursing home, even though my sister thinks she can take care of mom at home. The mediator makes sure that all parties are clear on what each wants initially.

2. Solutions are considered. Parties brainstorm on any number of options as the mediator continues to guide the conversation.

3. Time to take action. Following brainstorming, the ideas on the table are sorted out. Some are eliminated, others are considered as "possible." The mediator facilitates continued discussion until the parties choose the best possible outcome that everyone can live with, and an agreement is reached to act on.

At times mediation sessions take only a few hours; others may continue through the day or longer until agreement is reached. In either case, the process of mediation is a solid experience in keeping focused and walking out with a "win-win" feeling.

An interesting day

Big news: Mubarak steps down.
Encouraging news: Gabby Giffords is improving daily.
Surpising news: The Cavs won!
Business news: Stimulating meeting with city-wide group today.
Personal news: An act of kindness I received.

My friend and I were driving to the meeting, and she slowed the car to look for street parking. An older man who was leaving a nearby building saw us and motioned that he was leaving his spot. I rolled down the window, and he said he'd wait for us to drive around the block until he exited the parking place. It was a simple gesture of charity that only this stranger and we knew about.

Amidst all the other news of the day, this is my take away. Now to pay it forward.

Acting Out: What Mediators Can Do To Help Parties Stop Reliving The Past And Start Working Together

This article offers some good tips for new and seasoned mediators.

Acting Out: What Mediators Can Do To Help Parties Stop Reliving The Past And Start Working Together

What holds mediators back?

I read an interesting article by Paulette Ensign who has built an industry with her Tips Booklet ideas. After reading her materials, I was inspired last year to write my own booklet, 88 Tips for Shy Introverts: Becoming Personally and Professionally Assertive.
Now the challenge is to market them.

Paulette talks about checking in with the "Committee in my head" which can hold me back from taking the marketing/sales piece seriously. Perhaps that is why my stack of almost 3,000 booklets is still hanging around.

Applying her insights to the growth of mediators' practices, here are some ideas that may hold us back. The Committee in my Head may say things like:

* I'm a mediator, not a marketer.
* No one knows about mediation; I just need to wait until the field hits big.
* I don't know how to write media releases to get the word out.
* I can't afford to (get a website, upgrade my site, hire someone to help market, etc.)
* I'm too shy when it comes to networking.
* I'm a new mediator and need more experience first.

Get the picture? We make excuses that hold us back from learning more, from surrounding ourselves with experts who can help us, from putting in the time required to build a mediation practice, from thinking outside the box.

Is your Committee holding you back? If so, what will you do about it? Take the action step to call one person for a free consultation (perhaps a seasoned mediator or SEO expert or writer) today. Perhaps it's time to kick out the old committee members and get them replaced with positive thinkers.

How can I use a mediator's certificate?

A question we often hear is, "What kind of job opportunities are there if I become a mediator?"

The short answer is, "Don't give up your day job." Having said that, there are many advantages to becoming a mediator sooner than later.

1. Because mediation is as yet an unregulated field, there are no state boards or orals. Once you complete a Basic Mediation course, you can legitimately call yourself a mediator. Most mediators also take additional coursework in areas in which they want to specialize, e.g., divorce and family, elder, real estate,faith-based, healthcare, business, etc.
2. Many courts are now hiring mediators, though you will need additional course work above the Basic class.
3. Employees in fields such as customer service and human relations become more marketable, because employers recognize you have more advanced skills in conflict resolution.
4. As the population ages, so does the demand for Elder Mediators if this is a niche market you prefer.
5. Job postings for mediators are available on sites such as www.mediate.com and others both in the US and internationally.
6. Attorneys who become trained mediators have a built-in referral stream to their pracitces.
7. If you think outside the box, you can use your mediator training to give community presentations on topics related to conflict resolution, communication skills such as effective listening, peacemaking in neighborhoods and more. This exposure helps educate the public and create some interest in your mediation practice for referrals.
8. To gain post-certificate experience, many community mediation centers or ADR groups welcome volunteers.
9. You can join local, state or national mediation groups to network and learn more about the field.
10. Major media outlets including TV (Fairly Legal), The Washington Post, The New York Times, Kaiser Newsletter, Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal and others are helping to publicize mediation by their stories. Free publicity is always a help to local mediators who can parlay national stories into community coverage by your contacting them.

Our 2011 Basic Mediation classes are listed on www.ncsmediation.com. The first course begins March 18-19. Seating is limited to 13, so if you are interested, please register soon.

Fairly Legal Review

Following is a review written by Dr. John Bertschler (my hubby):

Mediation finally reached the small screen in the form of “Fairly Legal,” which premiered January 20 (10:00 PM, USA). In case you haven’t seen it, permit me to offer one mediator’s observations and comments. In no particular order, here are some of the things Hollywood wants us to know about the practice of mediation.

1. Mediators, their associates and clients are all smokin’ hot (OK, time to find another career already).
2. We believe that truth and justice are more important than the law (this is a subversive idea that I endorse, with reservations).
3. We can be imaginative and creative in getting disputants to see things in a different light (hey, I like that one).
4. We should break the law, if need be, to see that justice is served (uh, no).
5. Being peacemakers, we are sure to drop whatever we’re doing to barge into the middle of other people’s conflicts, even if that means violent street crime (again, I don’t think so).
6. We philosophically disagree with win-lose “solutions” and encourage people to work toward win-win agreements (this one is true).
7. We’re happy to tell disputants what a fair solution would be. In fact, we’re so sure of it, we can write up the Memorandum of Understanding in advance, then manipulate the disputants to endorse what we’ve already written up, and have them sign it without reading it (let me get back to you on this one).
8. If we fail to get disputants to a full agreement, we can be cited for contempt of court (I’m pretty sure that’s not quite right).

Of course Hollywood’s version is not completely realistic and in some cases is just wrong. Nonetheless the show is entertaining and watchable, and we can be grateful that the profession is getting some notoriety and some time in the public eye.

We can only hope that when a potential client calls a mediator, he/she will get the straight goods about how mediation works in real life.