Criminals are better behaved..."

Last month, my friend Charlie Feliciano, Jr. and I were discussing his criminal law practice and our mediation practices' updates. At first I was surprised by his comment that "criminals are better behaved than many court mediations I've handled."

Giving it some thought, I see where he's coming from. The felons and other law-breakers in Charlie's practice know that he is often their one chance at court leniency and a fair trial. They are prepped as to what to wear, what to say or not say, their overall demeanor and courtesy before the judge.

By contrast, many divorcing couples often filled with contempt for their partners, lose all sense of propriety and civility in court before the magistrate or judge. These prolonged diatribes often lead court officials to refer cases to mediation where the bad behavior continues.

We see a huge difference with our private, non-court divorce mediation clients. Some couples are a joy to work with, because they get down to business respectfully with each other and the mediator, and even when emotions run high, they can be reigned back in.

My husband John often says, "Peacemaking is not for wimps." New mediators entering the field must know that they will see their share of the good, the bad and the ugly. Even though criminals may be better mannered in court, we still prefer to help divorcing couples find another way to communicate through mediation--both an art and a science.

Sibling and Divorce Rivalry

A few days ago while visiting family, our 8- and 11-year old great nieces were doing homework and soon began fighting over a sparkly pencil. The older niece declared that her plain pencil was boring and demanded that her sister give her the pretty one. A heated debate, punch in the back and dramatic tears later, the problem was solved when I found a second sparkly pencil. Now they each had their own. I felt pretty good about salvaging the crisis only to hear the girls gearing up for the next round over who wants the pink sparkly pencil vs. the red one.

About a half hour later, our 2- and 4-year old great nephews arrived home from day care. Their tantrums began over who got the McQueen vs. the Thomas the Train sippy cups for their snack time.

And so it continues. These frequent childhood dilemmas become teaching moments about sharing, respect for others during conflict and problem-solving.

You'd think by adulthood, people would have learned these life lessons. Sadly, we often see this type of sibling rivalry morph into divorce rivalry during mediations. Now emotional arguments center on decisions like who gets the dog, the hutch, the vacation home and more.

The conflict isn't about "the stuff." More often it's about getting one's way, hurting the other spouse, a memory connected to the item. It takes a skillful, insightful divorce mediator to peel back the emotional onion and get to the core of the problem so that the childhood concepts of sharing, respect and problem solving can be addressed.

Ask for More Now, Ladies – Here’s How to Get That Raise

Ask for More Now, Ladies – Here’s How to Get That Raise