The art of effective listening

"You can't shake hands with a clenched fist" as Ghandhi says. And yet so many conversations are "clenched." People put their dukes up and come out swinging, each believing he/she has the right punch to justify the argument.

Steven Shapiro, author of Effective Listening, writes about four steps that make for a good listener.

First ATTEND to the speaker. Use good eye contact, stop reading the paper or whatever you're doing and really hear what the other says.

Second REFLECT FEELING. For example, if the speaker is angry, say something like, "I can hear how upsetting this is to you."

Third, CLARIFY what was said by 1) paraphrasing the speaker's message or by 2) asking for clarity by saying, "Have I left anything out?" or "I'm not sure what you mean by that."

Finally, RESPOND by making your point based on all you just heard.

Unfortunately, most people use only half the steps. We attend (listen) and respond (make my own argument with no concern for another's feelings). Rather than dissipating the argument, we often fuel it with even more anger to make ourselves heard.

I find that the most important step is #2...letting the other person know that we recognize their anger, fear, passion, concern and aren't just about making sure my argument (response) is a better one!

Forgiveness and Second Chances

I wish I knew Bernie Kosar personally, especially after reading his story by sports writer Terry Pluto (The Plain Dealer, August 14, 2010), “Former quarterback begins second half”. Bernie’s first half of life was full of ups and down…the ups very high (beloved Cleveland Brown’s quarterback from 1985 – 1993, beautiful family, side businesses) and the downs very low (dropped from the team by Coach Bill Belichick mid-season, nasty divorce, bankruptcy).
What I most admire is that Kosar doesn’t hold grudges even against people who changed his life so drastically when he thought he lost everything. This example of forgiveness is one from which we can all learn. Not only has Kosar had a second chance to create a new life, but he has given painful relationships the same respect and courtesy by forgiving.
In our mediation practice, there are times when the question of forgiveness arises…a spouse who apologizes for not speaking to his ex for two years since the divorce and affecting the kids’ relationship; a physician who apologizes for miscommunication with a patient; an older parent who apologizes to his adult children for not being there enough as they were being raised. When the apology is followed by forgiveness of those offended, the seeds of healing are planted.
Of course not every apology is well received and forgiveness is denied the “offender.” But for those who, like Kosar, choose not to hold grudges and give the gift of forgiveness, the second chance is all the sweeter.