This article by David Brooks (New York Times, 3/7/11) is a good read about the importance of acknowledging and blending emotions into our rational lives. The two are not incompatible, and a seasoned mediator often has to work very hard at reconciling what both parties want (reason) with how they feel (emotion).
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/08/opinion/08brooks.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=Brooks&st=Search
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Time to Toot Your Own Horn: Gaining Visibility and Advancing Your Career
Time to Toot Your Own Horn: Gaining Visibility and Advancing Your Career
As a shy introvert, my curiosity was piqued when I read this article posted on www.theglasshammer.com.
Women in particular are enculturated to show deference, become caretakers, be team players and more. On the dollar, we still make only 76 cents to every man. No wonder that career self-promotion does not come so easily to women.
I've known and seen three categories of women in the workplace: those who self-promote with grace and humility, those who brag, name-drop and flaunt their "peacock feathers," and those who don't know where to start. Perhaps this article will help.
As a shy introvert, my curiosity was piqued when I read this article posted on www.theglasshammer.com.
Women in particular are enculturated to show deference, become caretakers, be team players and more. On the dollar, we still make only 76 cents to every man. No wonder that career self-promotion does not come so easily to women.
I've known and seen three categories of women in the workplace: those who self-promote with grace and humility, those who brag, name-drop and flaunt their "peacock feathers," and those who don't know where to start. Perhaps this article will help.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Mom is no Girl Scout
Did you read the story about the Florida mother who beat up the babysitter for eating her Girl Scout cookies? Her little daughter must be so proud.
What would a mediation between the mother and the cookie monster look like? We often serve cookies to our clients during sessions. I might pass on this one.
What would a mediation between the mother and the cookie monster look like? We often serve cookies to our clients during sessions. I might pass on this one.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Who are mediation decision-makers?
This will be a short post.
In litigation, attorneys make decisions for clients. Win-lose. Sometimes lose-lose depending on how satisfied the clients are.
In arbitration, two sides present their cases, and the arbitrator picks the side that wins. Win-lose.
In mediation, the clients make outcome decisions themselves with the guidance of a mediator who facilitates the process. Win-win.
In litigation, attorneys make decisions for clients. Win-lose. Sometimes lose-lose depending on how satisfied the clients are.
In arbitration, two sides present their cases, and the arbitrator picks the side that wins. Win-lose.
In mediation, the clients make outcome decisions themselves with the guidance of a mediator who facilitates the process. Win-win.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
What is Real Guilt?
"I just ate a cookie, and I feel so guilty because I'm on a diet."
"I'd feel guilty about leaving my mother's bedside to go to a move. I should be taking care of her."
"I promised my dad I'd never put him in a nursing home, but I had to. Now I can't stand the guilt."
I hear this on almost a daily basis in my counseling practice. What people are not aware of is the true definition of guilt. Guilt is reserved for those who have done something immoral, unethical or illegal.
People who eat cookies on diets, go to a movie and make hard decisions about their loved ones can feel sad, awkward, uncomfortable, sheepish...anything but guilty! I enjoy seeing looks on clients' faces when the word guilt is removed from their vocabulary!
"I'd feel guilty about leaving my mother's bedside to go to a move. I should be taking care of her."
"I promised my dad I'd never put him in a nursing home, but I had to. Now I can't stand the guilt."
I hear this on almost a daily basis in my counseling practice. What people are not aware of is the true definition of guilt. Guilt is reserved for those who have done something immoral, unethical or illegal.
People who eat cookies on diets, go to a movie and make hard decisions about their loved ones can feel sad, awkward, uncomfortable, sheepish...anything but guilty! I enjoy seeing looks on clients' faces when the word guilt is removed from their vocabulary!
Friday, February 18, 2011
Elder Attorneys and Mediators: A Good Alliance
LinkedIn has a group called Friends of Elder Law Attorneys, and there's an interesting thread discussing if/whether attorneys and mediators can work together.
Brent Rosenbaum of Ventura County, California writes, "As an Elder Mediator, I feel that working with Elder Law, Estate Planning & Probate attorneys would make for a great alliance. Breaking through the impasse and not draining the entire estate would reflect their effectiveness in the eyes of their clients by their strategic utilization of mediators."
I like how Brent thinks, but of course he's an Elder Mediator (as are we). Anything we can do to work mutually with elder law attorneys would be a plus for our clients who are too often caught up in tension and conflict of family disagreements.
Brent Rosenbaum of Ventura County, California writes, "As an Elder Mediator, I feel that working with Elder Law, Estate Planning & Probate attorneys would make for a great alliance. Breaking through the impasse and not draining the entire estate would reflect their effectiveness in the eyes of their clients by their strategic utilization of mediators."
I like how Brent thinks, but of course he's an Elder Mediator (as are we). Anything we can do to work mutually with elder law attorneys would be a plus for our clients who are too often caught up in tension and conflict of family disagreements.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Anger's Ugly Step-Children
No one has to teach us how to be angry. We're born with it. Just watch intants crying for their milk. They soon discover that if they cry louder and longer, parents come more quickly with the milk! Anger is part of our limbic system which houses our emotions.
Sometimes it feels good to be angry, because it's a release of energy. Sometimes anger is justified when we react against violence, abuse, unfairness.
At other times, holding onto anger is so counter-productive that it produces ugly step-children like severe headaches, gastro-intestinal problems, tight muscles, passive-aggressive behavior and more.
We've seen our fair share of anger in divorce mediation cases and in our counseling practice. Helping people get to the other side (and sometimes even to forgiveness) is the challenge.
Buddha once said, "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; but you are the one getting burned."
To learn more about anger management in counseling, visit www.ncsmediation.com.
Sometimes it feels good to be angry, because it's a release of energy. Sometimes anger is justified when we react against violence, abuse, unfairness.
At other times, holding onto anger is so counter-productive that it produces ugly step-children like severe headaches, gastro-intestinal problems, tight muscles, passive-aggressive behavior and more.
We've seen our fair share of anger in divorce mediation cases and in our counseling practice. Helping people get to the other side (and sometimes even to forgiveness) is the challenge.
Buddha once said, "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; but you are the one getting burned."
To learn more about anger management in counseling, visit www.ncsmediation.com.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Getting focused in mediation
Recently, local author and communication coach Connie Dieken wrote that when giving a presentation, a speaker should do three things: "Pinpoint the problem, offer a solution and challenge the audience to take action." It occurred to me that these three elements are also involved in helping clients focus during mediation sessions.
1. The problem is identified. Each party states what he/she wants or expects, eg., I want a divorce, the house, full custody of the kids. Or, I want my mother to go to a nursing home, even though my sister thinks she can take care of mom at home. The mediator makes sure that all parties are clear on what each wants initially.
2. Solutions are considered. Parties brainstorm on any number of options as the mediator continues to guide the conversation.
3. Time to take action. Following brainstorming, the ideas on the table are sorted out. Some are eliminated, others are considered as "possible." The mediator facilitates continued discussion until the parties choose the best possible outcome that everyone can live with, and an agreement is reached to act on.
At times mediation sessions take only a few hours; others may continue through the day or longer until agreement is reached. In either case, the process of mediation is a solid experience in keeping focused and walking out with a "win-win" feeling.
1. The problem is identified. Each party states what he/she wants or expects, eg., I want a divorce, the house, full custody of the kids. Or, I want my mother to go to a nursing home, even though my sister thinks she can take care of mom at home. The mediator makes sure that all parties are clear on what each wants initially.
2. Solutions are considered. Parties brainstorm on any number of options as the mediator continues to guide the conversation.
3. Time to take action. Following brainstorming, the ideas on the table are sorted out. Some are eliminated, others are considered as "possible." The mediator facilitates continued discussion until the parties choose the best possible outcome that everyone can live with, and an agreement is reached to act on.
At times mediation sessions take only a few hours; others may continue through the day or longer until agreement is reached. In either case, the process of mediation is a solid experience in keeping focused and walking out with a "win-win" feeling.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
An interesting day
Big news: Mubarak steps down.
Encouraging news: Gabby Giffords is improving daily.
Surpising news: The Cavs won!
Business news: Stimulating meeting with city-wide group today.
Personal news: An act of kindness I received.
My friend and I were driving to the meeting, and she slowed the car to look for street parking. An older man who was leaving a nearby building saw us and motioned that he was leaving his spot. I rolled down the window, and he said he'd wait for us to drive around the block until he exited the parking place. It was a simple gesture of charity that only this stranger and we knew about.
Amidst all the other news of the day, this is my take away. Now to pay it forward.
Encouraging news: Gabby Giffords is improving daily.
Surpising news: The Cavs won!
Business news: Stimulating meeting with city-wide group today.
Personal news: An act of kindness I received.
My friend and I were driving to the meeting, and she slowed the car to look for street parking. An older man who was leaving a nearby building saw us and motioned that he was leaving his spot. I rolled down the window, and he said he'd wait for us to drive around the block until he exited the parking place. It was a simple gesture of charity that only this stranger and we knew about.
Amidst all the other news of the day, this is my take away. Now to pay it forward.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Acting Out: What Mediators Can Do To Help Parties Stop Reliving The Past And Start Working Together
This article offers some good tips for new and seasoned mediators.
Acting Out: What Mediators Can Do To Help Parties Stop Reliving The Past And Start Working Together
Acting Out: What Mediators Can Do To Help Parties Stop Reliving The Past And Start Working Together
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
