John Kasich's first MLK Day

It's hard to imagine how newly elected Governor John Kasich of Ohio is spending his first Martin Luther King, Jr. Day in office with his 20 white cabinet members. This may sound harsh, but people of every race and color who voted for him must be wondering how not one person of color in Ohio qualified to be on his team. I'm wondering what Dr. King must think as well from his other-worldly vantage point as we celebrate diversity and justice this day.

Peace on earth: "Let it begin with me"

The old hymn, "Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me" seems a perfect one to consider as the events in Tucson, Arizona last week unfold in greater detail over the attempted killing of Gabrielle Giffords and others.

Politicians and pundits talk of "toning down the rhetoric" and "civility" and "coming together as a nation." Haven't we heard all this following every tragedy in the last hundred years?

And yet every election, we see most politicians using smear tactics in their ads that seem to get only bolder. We hear of children being bullied (some suiciding) in schools that turn a deaf ear to pleas for help from the targets. We witness rudeness by others (sometimes by ourselves) with little regard for the impact that words and actions may have.

Civility is the responsibility of each one of us. We aim for this in every mediation...that disputants may speak their minds respectfully even when emotions run high.

Why is being civil so hard? Because we put ourselves first. People used to wave a hand to gesture a thank you when a driver would let them out of a gas station into traffic. I don't see that so often any more. Shoppers in grocery lines are in such a rush that they don't always notice the person behind them with only a few items compared to their cartful. We used to invite them to step in front of us. Malls are often scenes of drivers racing to get the closest spot, sometimes even leading to violence.

These and hundreds of other examples of daily incivility remind me that peace on earth doesn't just happen. It's not just for the lawmakers. It begins with me.

When mediation won't help

Divorce mediators try to help couples as they end their marriages more peacefully. Elder mediators try to help families who have critical decisions to make with their older loved ones. But no mediator could have helped the 22-year old Jared Lee Loughner who horrified most Americans and others when he launched his brutal attack on Gabrielle Giffords, her staff and other bystanders in Tucson last Friday.

"Extreme mental illness" is one condition mediators cannot ethically take on. Loughner's rage over American politics as reported in his blog and elsewhere and his paranoia are beyond the scope of a mediator's skills. How sad that no one in this young man's life could have intervened before it got to his breaking point and forever changed the lives of Representative Giffords, the many he wounded and those he killed.

As this story unfolds, we are learning of many heroes who stepped in to assist the wounded. These heroes inspire us to get involved, to do the right thing, to bring some semblance of peace at the deepest human level no matter what the potential cost to self.

As mediators in our practice, we know we cannot help everyone. But we are more determined to continue working toward peaceful resolutions in our conflict-laden world. And we continue to pray for healing, not only for the wounded in Tucson, but for the families of those who were killed.

New Year, New You

Have to admit, I've never been big on New Year's resolutions. I prefer to think of it as a Fresh Start and go from there. One guy on the web said his resolution is "to remain awesome!" Good luck.

One thing I've been praying over is something I heard on Barbara Walter's recent special as she interviewed Oprah. The latter said, "Every day I pray to God, Use me until you use me up." I wrote the prayer on a sticky note, one of many inspirational quotes that is now attached to my computer frame. (I need a lot of reminders apparently.)

I'm big into being inspired by others. The Plain Dealer is running a series about ordinary people who make a difference in the lives of others. Today featured Akron postal carrier Keith Alan McVey who has saved lives three times (accident, fire, drowning) and Imam Abbas Ahmad and his wife who fostered almost 40 abused children.

These people and others don't need a date on a calendar to make a resolution. They just go about being good people. They live out the "use me until you use me up" mantra. May we all take a lesson from them as 2011 begins to unfold. Happy New Year. Happy New You!

McParents vs. McDonalds

Parents who apPARENTly can't say no are challenging McDonalds with a lawsuit over Happy Meals.

Clearly a case of children who rule the roost. Try a "value meal" of preparing a dinner of baked chicken, salad and broccoli for the kids. After dinner, they can play with the dozens (hundreds?) of toys they already have at home.

When did the child become the parent?

He had a vendetta

Today's news carries the story of Clay Duke, the disgruntled ex-convict who tried to shoot three school board members at a meeting in Panama City. His last Facebook entry seems based on the movie Vendetta and carries his manifesto of hate.

What complicates this matter is that Duke was diagnosed with adult onset Bipolar Disorder. No one knows at this writing if he was taking his medication or not. My suspicion is "not."

What inspires me is the bravery of the Board President who tried to sacrifice himself by asking Duke to release the others, and the female board member who returned after her release from the hostage-taking to attempt to hit the gun from Duke's hand with her purse. In a culture which is so often painted with the broad brushes of selfishness, narcissism and egoism, it is refreshing (albeit sad) to see this level of courage and other-centeredness by the two board members.

Blocking the Box

I'd never heard that term, blocking the box, until I read it in today's Cleveland Plain Dealer. It refers to cars that block an intersection, the light turns red, and gridlock occurs. Of course I've seen it happen, but yesterday's snowstorm in downtown Cleveland packed a mighty punch, and drivers were stuck in gridlock for 3 and 4 hours on their commute home.

In part this could be blamed on little if any police or public safety planning. The underlying issue in my opinion has to do with selfishness. Needing to get ahead no matter who is inconvenienced. Needing to disregard rules as we inch along in life toward our own goal--whether it be getting home in a snow storm, cheating financially, looking the other way when someone is being bullied.

We can all learn a lesson from yesterday's storm and the ensuing anger caused by some selfish drivers. Give a little. Back off. Defer to another. Be patient. Think of someone else first.

The art of effective listening

"You can't shake hands with a clenched fist" as Ghandhi says. And yet so many conversations are "clenched." People put their dukes up and come out swinging, each believing he/she has the right punch to justify the argument.

Steven Shapiro, author of Effective Listening, writes about four steps that make for a good listener.

First ATTEND to the speaker. Use good eye contact, stop reading the paper or whatever you're doing and really hear what the other says.

Second REFLECT FEELING. For example, if the speaker is angry, say something like, "I can hear how upsetting this is to you."

Third, CLARIFY what was said by 1) paraphrasing the speaker's message or by 2) asking for clarity by saying, "Have I left anything out?" or "I'm not sure what you mean by that."

Finally, RESPOND by making your point based on all you just heard.

Unfortunately, most people use only half the steps. We attend (listen) and respond (make my own argument with no concern for another's feelings). Rather than dissipating the argument, we often fuel it with even more anger to make ourselves heard.

I find that the most important step is #2...letting the other person know that we recognize their anger, fear, passion, concern and aren't just about making sure my argument (response) is a better one!

Fears of Mediation in the Workplace

Yesterday, I read an interesting post on mediate.com by Clive Lewis, MBA, a mediator and past HR director in the UK. He discussed four reasons why CEOs and workforce decision-makers are afraid to try mediation.

1. It's easier to ignore the conflict than address it. 2. If I admit to conflict, I admit to failure as a manger/director, etc. 3. It's easier for corporate to throw money at someone to make the problem go away. 4. Poor understanding of how conflict negatively impacts profit margins.

Whether in the UK or in the USA, these irrational fears exist. Until coporate realizes the time and cost savings of mediation, and the millions of dollars wasted in sick pay, poor performance, unhappy workers, slower production and more, we will continue to advance the theory, "If I ignore it, it will go away."

Inside the bullied brain - The Boston Globe

Below is an article by The Boston Globe on the long-range affects of hard core bullying. I see clients in my counseling practice whose confidence levels, decision-making, trust and relationships are impacted by past bullying behavior. A good read...

Inside the bullied brain - The Boston Globe