Making peace, one person at a time

What shall I wish you?

2011-11-22T01:21:00.000-05:00

To those who love the art of a deal, who will be first in line on Black Friday, who have to have the biggest, baddest electronic gadget, who think nothing of asking employees to be at their stations Thanksgiving evening, to you I wish Happy Shopping.

To those who value family time, easing into the holiday rush and not caving into the media frenzy surrounding the greed that drives this marketing machine, I wish Happy Thanksgiving.

Make a Difference Today

2011-11-15T10:08:00.000-05:00

This morning I read an interesting post by John DiJulius III:

What if Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Howard Schultz, Walt Disney, Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, Michael Jordan, Oprah Winfrey, The Beatles, Nelson Mandela, or Muhammad Ali choose to be ordinary? What would the world be like today?

Mother Teresa once said, "We are not here to do great things, only small things with great love." However we look at it, we have the power to make an ordinary day extraordinary in our own small corner of the world. Think about it.

DailyGood: The Third Side of a Conflict

2011-05-15T17:58:00.000-04:00

DailyGood: The Third Side of a Conflict

Good vs. Evil: Age-old Story Continues

2011-05-02T11:37:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, in an ironic juxtaposition of headlines, Pope John Paul was beatified as Osama Bin Laden was killed.

As old as recorded history, themes of good vs. evil weave through our literature, politics, business, religions and relationships.

Every newborn enters this world pure and innocent. At what point does one begin making choices for good or for bad? What turns a person from decisions based on compassion, social justice, fairness and love to a life of greed, revenge, entitlement and hatred?

To that question is no easy answer, and the good vs. evil saga will continue. Across the globe, I believe there are more humanitarians than terrorists. The former don't often make the headlines.

Criminals are better behaved..."

2011-04-25T16:44:00.000-04:00

Last month, my friend Charlie Feliciano, Jr. and I were discussing his criminal law practice and our mediation practices' updates. At first I was surprised by his comment that "criminals are better behaved than many court mediations I've handled."

Giving it some thought, I see where he's coming from. The felons and other law-breakers in Charlie's practice know that he is often their one chance at court leniency and a fair trial. They are prepped as to what to wear, what to say or not say, their overall demeanor and courtesy before the judge.

By contrast, many divorcing couples often filled with contempt for their partners, lose all sense of propriety and civility in court before the magistrate or judge. These prolonged diatribes often lead court officials to refer cases to mediation where the bad behavior continues.

We see a huge difference with our private, non-court divorce mediation clients. Some couples are a joy to work with, because they get down to business respectfully with each other and the mediator, and even when emotions run high, they can be reigned back in.

My husband John often says, "Peacemaking is not for wimps." New mediators entering the field must know that they will see their share of the good, the bad and the ugly. Even though criminals may be better mannered in court, we still prefer to help divorcing couples find another way to communicate through mediation--both an art and a science.

Sibling and Divorce Rivalry

2011-04-16T01:00:00.002-04:00

A few days ago while visiting family, our 8- and 11-year old great nieces were doing homework and soon began fighting over a sparkly pencil. The older niece declared that her plain pencil was boring and demanded that her sister give her the pretty one. A heated debate, punch in the back and dramatic tears later, the problem was solved when I found a second sparkly pencil. Now they each had their own. I felt pretty good about salvaging the crisis only to hear the girls gearing up for the next round over who wants the pink sparkly pencil vs. the red one.

About a half hour later, our 2- and 4-year old great nephews arrived home from day care. Their tantrums began over who got the McQueen vs. the Thomas the Train sippy cups for their snack time.

And so it continues. These frequent childhood dilemmas become teaching moments about sharing, respect for others during conflict and problem-solving.

You'd think by adulthood, people would have learned these life lessons. Sadly, we often see this type of sibling rivalry morph into divorce rivalry during mediations. Now emotional arguments center on decisions like who gets the dog, the hutch, the vacation home and more.

The conflict isn't about "the stuff." More often it's about getting one's way, hurting the other spouse, a memory connected to the item. It takes a skillful, insightful divorce mediator to peel back the emotional onion and get to the core of the problem so that the childhood concepts of sharing, respect and problem solving can be addressed.

Ask for More Now, Ladies – Here’s How to Get That Raise

2011-04-07T12:23:00.000-04:00

Ask for More Now, Ladies – Here’s How to Get That Raise

The Other Tsunami: Children of Divorce

2011-03-29T01:45:00.000-04:00

Our hearts and prayers go out to the people of Japan over the recent earthquake, tsunami and nuclear disasters. It's unimaginable to think of so much pain and trauma.

The other tsunami I'm addressing here is the one that floods the hearts, minds and bodies of children who experience their parents' divorce. Though oceans of water are not involved, children are awash in their own devastation, fear of the unknown, sense of helplessness, anxiety over the absent parent, trying to figure out what life will be like in the future.

Writer Kim Leon (University of Missouri, 2004) wrote "What I need from my mom and dad: A child's list of wants."

* I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don't stay involved, I feel like I'm not important and that you don't really love me.
* Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
* I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
* Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don't have to send messages back and forth.
*When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don't say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
* Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

In our mediation practice, we deal weekly with divorcing couples. And now in our own family, a couple has recently divorced after a year-long battle of wills in court. We see the "tsunami effects" in the children--their acting out behavior, tears, moodiness, physicall illnesses of late, tantrums. It takes a lot of patience and love to be their lifeboat, so to speak. If you know a child of divorce, don't be afraid to jump on board to help in the rescue.

Cost of litigated divorce vs. divorce mediation in Cuyahoga County

2011-03-11T13:29:00.000-05:00

Of course costs will vary in the United States depending on the area of the country. West coast prices are generally much higher than east coast. A mediator colleague in California, for example, told me that fees begin at $400/hour there. In the east, the average range is $100 - $250 per hour.

Recently, a Cleveland attorney wrote that the range of a litigated divorce is between $20,000 - $70,000 in Cuyahoga County. However, a mediated dissolution generally costs less than $2,000.

What we find raises the cost is not the complexity of a person's portfolio, but the amount of anger and desire for revenge in some couples. Sometimes this involves money settlements; other times, sadly, it involves children.

We offer a free monthly seminar called "Without Becoming Enemies" for those who wish to inquire about divorce mediation. Visit www.ncsmediation.com for dates and times.

The wedding of emotion and reason in mediation

2011-03-09T11:37:00.001-05:00

This article by David Brooks (New York Times, 3/7/11) is a good read about the importance of acknowledging and blending emotions into our rational lives. The two are not incompatible, and a seasoned mediator often has to work very hard at reconciling what both parties want (reason) with how they feel (emotion).

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/08/opinion/08brooks.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=Brooks&st=Search

Time to Toot Your Own Horn: Gaining Visibility and Advancing Your Career

2011-02-25T13:02:00.003-05:00

Time to Toot Your Own Horn: Gaining Visibility and Advancing Your Career

As a shy introvert, my curiosity was piqued when I read this article posted on www.theglasshammer.com.

Women in particular are enculturated to show deference, become caretakers, be team players and more. On the dollar, we still make only 76 cents to every man. No wonder that career self-promotion does not come so easily to women.

I've known and seen three categories of women in the workplace: those who self-promote with grace and humility, those who brag, name-drop and flaunt their "peacock feathers," and those who don't know where to start. Perhaps this article will help.

Mom is no Girl Scout

2011-02-22T19:49:00.000-05:00

Did you read the story about the Florida mother who beat up the babysitter for eating her Girl Scout cookies? Her little daughter must be so proud.

What would a mediation between the mother and the cookie monster look like? We often serve cookies to our clients during sessions. I might pass on this one.

Who are mediation decision-makers?

2011-02-21T20:08:00.002-05:00

This will be a short post.

In litigation, attorneys make decisions for clients. Win-lose. Sometimes lose-lose depending on how satisfied the clients are.

In arbitration, two sides present their cases, and the arbitrator picks the side that wins. Win-lose.

In mediation, the clients make outcome decisions themselves with the guidance of a mediator who facilitates the process. Win-win.

What is Real Guilt?

2011-02-20T01:03:00.002-05:00

"I just ate a cookie, and I feel so guilty because I'm on a diet."

"I'd feel guilty about leaving my mother's bedside to go to a move. I should be taking care of her."

"I promised my dad I'd never put him in a nursing home, but I had to. Now I can't stand the guilt."

I hear this on almost a daily basis in my counseling practice. What people are not aware of is the true definition of guilt. Guilt is reserved for those who have done something immoral, unethical or illegal.

People who eat cookies on diets, go to a movie and make hard decisions about their loved ones can feel sad, awkward, uncomfortable, sheepish...anything but guilty! I enjoy seeing looks on clients' faces when the word guilt is removed from their vocabulary!

Elder Attorneys and Mediators: A Good Alliance

2011-02-18T16:04:00.000-05:00

LinkedIn has a group called Friends of Elder Law Attorneys, and there's an interesting thread discussing if/whether attorneys and mediators can work together.

Brent Rosenbaum of Ventura County, California writes, "As an Elder Mediator, I feel that working with Elder Law, Estate Planning & Probate attorneys would make for a great alliance. Breaking through the impasse and not draining the entire estate would reflect their effectiveness in the eyes of their clients by their strategic utilization of mediators."

I like how Brent thinks, but of course he's an Elder Mediator (as are we). Anything we can do to work mutually with elder law attorneys would be a plus for our clients who are too often caught up in tension and conflict of family disagreements.

Anger's Ugly Step-Children

2011-02-17T23:57:00.002-05:00

No one has to teach us how to be angry. We're born with it. Just watch intants crying for their milk. They soon discover that if they cry louder and longer, parents come more quickly with the milk! Anger is part of our limbic system which houses our emotions.

Sometimes it feels good to be angry, because it's a release of energy. Sometimes anger is justified when we react against violence, abuse, unfairness.

At other times, holding onto anger is so counter-productive that it produces ugly step-children like severe headaches, gastro-intestinal problems, tight muscles, passive-aggressive behavior and more.

We've seen our fair share of anger in divorce mediation cases and in our counseling practice. Helping people get to the other side (and sometimes even to forgiveness) is the challenge.

Buddha once said, "Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; but you are the one getting burned."

To learn more about anger management in counseling, visit www.ncsmediation.com.

Getting focused in mediation

2011-02-16T03:22:00.001-05:00

Recently, local author and communication coach Connie Dieken wrote that when giving a presentation, a speaker should do three things: "Pinpoint the problem, offer a solution and challenge the audience to take action." It occurred to me that these three elements are also involved in helping clients focus during mediation sessions.

1. The problem is identified. Each party states what he/she wants or expects, eg., I want a divorce, the house, full custody of the kids. Or, I want my mother to go to a nursing home, even though my sister thinks she can take care of mom at home. The mediator makes sure that all parties are clear on what each wants initially.

2. Solutions are considered. Parties brainstorm on any number of options as the mediator continues to guide the conversation.

3. Time to take action. Following brainstorming, the ideas on the table are sorted out. Some are eliminated, others are considered as "possible." The mediator facilitates continued discussion until the parties choose the best possible outcome that everyone can live with, and an agreement is reached to act on.

At times mediation sessions take only a few hours; others may continue through the day or longer until agreement is reached. In either case, the process of mediation is a solid experience in keeping focused and walking out with a "win-win" feeling.

An interesting day

2011-02-12T01:42:00.000-05:00

Big news: Mubarak steps down.
Encouraging news: Gabby Giffords is improving daily.
Surpising news: The Cavs won!
Business news: Stimulating meeting with city-wide group today.
Personal news: An act of kindness I received.

My friend and I were driving to the meeting, and she slowed the car to look for street parking. An older man who was leaving a nearby building saw us and motioned that he was leaving his spot. I rolled down the window, and he said he'd wait for us to drive around the block until he exited the parking place. It was a simple gesture of charity that only this stranger and we knew about.

Amidst all the other news of the day, this is my take away. Now to pay it forward.

Acting Out: What Mediators Can Do To Help Parties Stop Reliving The Past And Start Working Together

2011-02-08T21:39:00.001-05:00

This article offers some good tips for new and seasoned mediators.

Acting Out: What Mediators Can Do To Help Parties Stop Reliving The Past And Start Working Together

What holds mediators back?

2011-02-08T01:38:00.005-05:00

I read an interesting article by Paulette Ensign who has built an industry with her Tips Booklet ideas. After reading her materials, I was inspired last year to write my own booklet, 88 Tips for Shy Introverts: Becoming Personally and Professionally Assertive.
Now the challenge is to market them.

Paulette talks about checking in with the "Committee in my head" which can hold me back from taking the marketing/sales piece seriously. Perhaps that is why my stack of almost 3,000 booklets is still hanging around.

Applying her insights to the growth of mediators' practices, here are some ideas that may hold us back. The Committee in my Head may say things like:

* I'm a mediator, not a marketer.
* No one knows about mediation; I just need to wait until the field hits big.
* I don't know how to write media releases to get the word out.
* I can't afford to (get a website, upgrade my site, hire someone to help market, etc.)
* I'm too shy when it comes to networking.
* I'm a new mediator and need more experience first.

Get the picture? We make excuses that hold us back from learning more, from surrounding ourselves with experts who can help us, from putting in the time required to build a mediation practice, from thinking outside the box.

Is your Committee holding you back? If so, what will you do about it? Take the action step to call one person for a free consultation (perhaps a seasoned mediator or SEO expert or writer) today. Perhaps it's time to kick out the old committee members and get them replaced with positive thinkers.

How can I use a mediator's certificate?

2011-02-07T01:47:00.002-05:00

A question we often hear is, "What kind of job opportunities are there if I become a mediator?"

The short answer is, "Don't give up your day job." Having said that, there are many advantages to becoming a mediator sooner than later.

1. Because mediation is as yet an unregulated field, there are no state boards or orals. Once you complete a Basic Mediation course, you can legitimately call yourself a mediator. Most mediators also take additional coursework in areas in which they want to specialize, e.g., divorce and family, elder, real estate,faith-based, healthcare, business, etc.
2. Many courts are now hiring mediators, though you will need additional course work above the Basic class.
3. Employees in fields such as customer service and human relations become more marketable, because employers recognize you have more advanced skills in conflict resolution.
4. As the population ages, so does the demand for Elder Mediators if this is a niche market you prefer.
5. Job postings for mediators are available on sites such as www.mediate.com and others both in the US and internationally.
6. Attorneys who become trained mediators have a built-in referral stream to their pracitces.
7. If you think outside the box, you can use your mediator training to give community presentations on topics related to conflict resolution, communication skills such as effective listening, peacemaking in neighborhoods and more. This exposure helps educate the public and create some interest in your mediation practice for referrals.
8. To gain post-certificate experience, many community mediation centers or ADR groups welcome volunteers.
9. You can join local, state or national mediation groups to network and learn more about the field.
10. Major media outlets including TV (Fairly Legal), The Washington Post, The New York Times, Kaiser Newsletter, Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal and others are helping to publicize mediation by their stories. Free publicity is always a help to local mediators who can parlay national stories into community coverage by your contacting them.

Our 2011 Basic Mediation classes are listed on www.ncsmediation.com. The first course begins March 18-19. Seating is limited to 13, so if you are interested, please register soon.

Is this Hope I'm Feeling?

2011-02-05T01:29:00.000-05:00

Almost 24 hours later, and Egypt's "Day of Departure" was a surprise. Comparable to the U.S. Million Man March on DC., tens of thousands of peaceful demonstrators are still standing--some bandaged and wounded, some holding signs, and most with looks of hope on their faces. One reporter's blog read, "Fear has been defeated. There's no turning back."

From last night's reports, I expected a day of terror in anticipation of the scheduled demonstration. Instead, I feel some hope that the Egyptian people will be heard. Most want President Mubarak to leave now. They don't want outsiders to make decisions for them. These are basic principles of mediation. People get a voice, and they make their own decisions. My hope is that somehow Mubarak will listen to his people and be able to leave with a sense of dignity, showing them that he can lead them through this crisis.

Cairo in Crisis

2011-02-04T02:36:00.001-05:00

It's 2 A.M., and I'm not sure where I'm going with this...just random thoughts and feelings as I sit in our comfortable family room on a peaceful February morning watching Anderson Cooper and other journalists "reporting from an undisclosed location" in Egypt.

One Egyptian commentator (Mr. Ajami) said yesterday that the people didn't think they had enough room in their hearts for more heartbreak. Yet their peaceful demonstrations beginning 10 days ago have now taken a nasty turn as of yesterday. It's hard for me to wrap my arms around the violent images shown on CNN and elsewhere. How is it I am so blessed to be this safe, this protected, this peaceful while a world away others fight for democracy by civil disobedience and in some cases fight for their lives?

As a mediator, I'm trained to look for the win-win in conflict without going to war with each other. This seems so remote at the moment for the 80 million people of Egypt. While I go to bed soon and absorb the lovely silence of the night, I am struck by images of protesters in Cairo breaking up concrete streets into chunks to use as weapons and of a van blatantly mowing down pedestrians.

This crisis is hardly something to sleep on. I still pray for peace this day.

Fairly Legal Review

2011-02-02T23:30:00.000-05:00

Following is a review written by Dr. John Bertschler (my hubby):

Mediation finally reached the small screen in the form of “Fairly Legal,” which premiered January 20 (10:00 PM, USA). In case you haven’t seen it, permit me to offer one mediator’s observations and comments. In no particular order, here are some of the things Hollywood wants us to know about the practice of mediation.

1. Mediators, their associates and clients are all smokin’ hot (OK, time to find another career already).
2. We believe that truth and justice are more important than the law (this is a subversive idea that I endorse, with reservations).
3. We can be imaginative and creative in getting disputants to see things in a different light (hey, I like that one).
4. We should break the law, if need be, to see that justice is served (uh, no).
5. Being peacemakers, we are sure to drop whatever we’re doing to barge into the middle of other people’s conflicts, even if that means violent street crime (again, I don’t think so).
6. We philosophically disagree with win-lose “solutions” and encourage people to work toward win-win agreements (this one is true).
7. We’re happy to tell disputants what a fair solution would be. In fact, we’re so sure of it, we can write up the Memorandum of Understanding in advance, then manipulate the disputants to endorse what we’ve already written up, and have them sign it without reading it (let me get back to you on this one).
8. If we fail to get disputants to a full agreement, we can be cited for contempt of court (I’m pretty sure that’s not quite right).

Of course Hollywood’s version is not completely realistic and in some cases is just wrong. Nonetheless the show is entertaining and watchable, and we can be grateful that the profession is getting some notoriety and some time in the public eye.

We can only hope that when a potential client calls a mediator, he/she will get the straight goods about how mediation works in real life.

The lessons of Tucson

2011-01-18T19:28:00.000-05:00

Is it about gun control? vitriolic rhetoric? mental illness? congressional civility? Since the shooting of Representative Gabrielle Giffords, we've seen and heard hundreds of reports, editorials, commentators and water cooler discussions on the topic of "what caused this."

While I believe that all these are significant topics, nothing is going to change the fact that people can get guns on the street, that mental illness is here to stay despite our best efforts to help the sufferers, and that no matter how much politicians and others tone down their conversations, we have not gotten to the heart of the problem.

America accepts violence as a way of life. Not the only way, but a way. We live in a culture in which bullying, road rage, domestic violence, drugs, shootings and what one commentator called "ideological bloodsport" in smear campaigns make daily headlines. We tend to turn the other way until it happens to us. And then for a time we play nice, and return to our old ways.

Thomas Jefferson said in his March 4, 1801 Inaugural Address, "Every difference of opionion is not a difference of priciple." This is what mediators and other ADR practioners help clients learn. That we can find common ground; that we can resolve differences by focusing on the best possible outcome for all involved; that conflict resolution does not have to involve guns, slaps, jabs, slurs or other forms of violence.

America needs, as the Chicago Tribune editorial writes, to learn "quality conflict resolution with the ammo."

John Kasich's first MLK Day

2011-01-17T18:22:00.000-05:00

It's hard to imagine how newly elected Governor John Kasich of Ohio is spending his first Martin Luther King, Jr. Day in office with his 20 white cabinet members. This may sound harsh, but people of every race and color who voted for him must be wondering how not one person of color in Ohio qualified to be on his team. I'm wondering what Dr. King must think as well from his other-worldly vantage point as we celebrate diversity and justice this day.

Peace on earth: "Let it begin with me"

2011-01-12T11:38:00.001-05:00

The old hymn, "Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me" seems a perfect one to consider as the events in Tucson, Arizona last week unfold in greater detail over the attempted killing of Gabrielle Giffords and others.

Politicians and pundits talk of "toning down the rhetoric" and "civility" and "coming together as a nation." Haven't we heard all this following every tragedy in the last hundred years?

And yet every election, we see most politicians using smear tactics in their ads that seem to get only bolder. We hear of children being bullied (some suiciding) in schools that turn a deaf ear to pleas for help from the targets. We witness rudeness by others (sometimes by ourselves) with little regard for the impact that words and actions may have.

Civility is the responsibility of each one of us. We aim for this in every mediation...that disputants may speak their minds respectfully even when emotions run high.

Why is being civil so hard? Because we put ourselves first. People used to wave a hand to gesture a thank you when a driver would let them out of a gas station into traffic. I don't see that so often any more. Shoppers in grocery lines are in such a rush that they don't always notice the person behind them with only a few items compared to their cartful. We used to invite them to step in front of us. Malls are often scenes of drivers racing to get the closest spot, sometimes even leading to violence.

These and hundreds of other examples of daily incivility remind me that peace on earth doesn't just happen. It's not just for the lawmakers. It begins with me.

When mediation won't help

2011-01-10T03:21:00.002-05:00

Divorce mediators try to help couples as they end their marriages more peacefully. Elder mediators try to help families who have critical decisions to make with their older loved ones. But no mediator could have helped the 22-year old Jared Lee Loughner who horrified most Americans and others when he launched his brutal attack on Gabrielle Giffords, her staff and other bystanders in Tucson last Friday.

"Extreme mental illness" is one condition mediators cannot ethically take on. Loughner's rage over American politics as reported in his blog and elsewhere and his paranoia are beyond the scope of a mediator's skills. How sad that no one in this young man's life could have intervened before it got to his breaking point and forever changed the lives of Representative Giffords, the many he wounded and those he killed.

As this story unfolds, we are learning of many heroes who stepped in to assist the wounded. These heroes inspire us to get involved, to do the right thing, to bring some semblance of peace at the deepest human level no matter what the potential cost to self.

As mediators in our practice, we know we cannot help everyone. But we are more determined to continue working toward peaceful resolutions in our conflict-laden world. And we continue to pray for healing, not only for the wounded in Tucson, but for the families of those who were killed.

New Year, New You

2011-01-03T10:10:00.000-05:00

Have to admit, I've never been big on New Year's resolutions. I prefer to think of it as a Fresh Start and go from there. One guy on the web said his resolution is "to remain awesome!" Good luck.

One thing I've been praying over is something I heard on Barbara Walter's recent special as she interviewed Oprah. The latter said, "Every day I pray to God, Use me until you use me up." I wrote the prayer on a sticky note, one of many inspirational quotes that is now attached to my computer frame. (I need a lot of reminders apparently.)

I'm big into being inspired by others. The Plain Dealer is running a series about ordinary people who make a difference in the lives of others. Today featured Akron postal carrier Keith Alan McVey who has saved lives three times (accident, fire, drowning) and Imam Abbas Ahmad and his wife who fostered almost 40 abused children.

These people and others don't need a date on a calendar to make a resolution. They just go about being good people. They live out the "use me until you use me up" mantra. May we all take a lesson from them as 2011 begins to unfold. Happy New Year. Happy New You!

McParents vs. McDonalds

2010-12-18T11:10:00.000-05:00

Parents who apPARENTly can't say no are challenging McDonalds with a lawsuit over Happy Meals.

Clearly a case of children who rule the roost. Try a "value meal" of preparing a dinner of baked chicken, salad and broccoli for the kids. After dinner, they can play with the dozens (hundreds?) of toys they already have at home.

When did the child become the parent?

He had a vendetta

2010-12-15T19:18:00.002-05:00

Today's news carries the story of Clay Duke, the disgruntled ex-convict who tried to shoot three school board members at a meeting in Panama City. His last Facebook entry seems based on the movie Vendetta and carries his manifesto of hate.

What complicates this matter is that Duke was diagnosed with adult onset Bipolar Disorder. No one knows at this writing if he was taking his medication or not. My suspicion is "not."

What inspires me is the bravery of the Board President who tried to sacrifice himself by asking Duke to release the others, and the female board member who returned after her release from the hostage-taking to attempt to hit the gun from Duke's hand with her purse. In a culture which is so often painted with the broad brushes of selfishness, narcissism and egoism, it is refreshing (albeit sad) to see this level of courage and other-centeredness by the two board members.

Blocking the Box

2010-12-10T17:09:00.000-05:00

I'd never heard that term, blocking the box, until I read it in today's Cleveland Plain Dealer. It refers to cars that block an intersection, the light turns red, and gridlock occurs. Of course I've seen it happen, but yesterday's snowstorm in downtown Cleveland packed a mighty punch, and drivers were stuck in gridlock for 3 and 4 hours on their commute home.

In part this could be blamed on little if any police or public safety planning. The underlying issue in my opinion has to do with selfishness. Needing to get ahead no matter who is inconvenienced. Needing to disregard rules as we inch along in life toward our own goal--whether it be getting home in a snow storm, cheating financially, looking the other way when someone is being bullied.

We can all learn a lesson from yesterday's storm and the ensuing anger caused by some selfish drivers. Give a little. Back off. Defer to another. Be patient. Think of someone else first.

The art of effective listening

2010-12-09T00:29:00.001-05:00

"You can't shake hands with a clenched fist" as Ghandhi says. And yet so many conversations are "clenched." People put their dukes up and come out swinging, each believing he/she has the right punch to justify the argument.

Steven Shapiro, author of Effective Listening, writes about four steps that make for a good listener.

First ATTEND to the speaker. Use good eye contact, stop reading the paper or whatever you're doing and really hear what the other says.

Second REFLECT FEELING. For example, if the speaker is angry, say something like, "I can hear how upsetting this is to you."

Third, CLARIFY what was said by 1) paraphrasing the speaker's message or by 2) asking for clarity by saying, "Have I left anything out?" or "I'm not sure what you mean by that."

Finally, RESPOND by making your point based on all you just heard.

Unfortunately, most people use only half the steps. We attend (listen) and respond (make my own argument with no concern for another's feelings). Rather than dissipating the argument, we often fuel it with even more anger to make ourselves heard.

I find that the most important step is #2...letting the other person know that we recognize their anger, fear, passion, concern and aren't just about making sure my argument (response) is a better one!

Fears of Mediation in the Workplace

2010-12-08T01:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I read an interesting post on mediate.com by Clive Lewis, MBA, a mediator and past HR director in the UK. He discussed four reasons why CEOs and workforce decision-makers are afraid to try mediation.

1. It's easier to ignore the conflict than address it. 2. If I admit to conflict, I admit to failure as a manger/director, etc. 3. It's easier for corporate to throw money at someone to make the problem go away. 4. Poor understanding of how conflict negatively impacts profit margins.

Whether in the UK or in the USA, these irrational fears exist. Until coporate realizes the time and cost savings of mediation, and the millions of dollars wasted in sick pay, poor performance, unhappy workers, slower production and more, we will continue to advance the theory, "If I ignore it, it will go away."

Inside the bullied brain - The Boston Globe

2010-12-07T16:25:00.002-05:00

Below is an article by The Boston Globe on the long-range affects of hard core bullying. I see clients in my counseling practice whose confidence levels, decision-making, trust and relationships are impacted by past bullying behavior. A good read...

Inside the bullied brain - The Boston Globe

Finally a TV show about a mediator

2010-12-01T00:59:00.000-05:00

I've thought of this for years, but didn't think it would happen. Soon a TV show called "Fairly Legal" starring a lead who is a mediator will be shown. I hope it's a fair representation of the field. Stay tuned!

I'm thankful for...

2010-11-24T12:24:00.000-05:00

My faith, my husband who is my best friend, my co-workers Mark, Allie, Susan, Thomas and Debra, our great nieces Brittany and Alyssa and great nephews Kyle and Ryan, our church community, my upbringing by my parents Jim and Alberta.

I'm thankful for our military and all those who have bought us our freedom. I'm thankful that we have a home and live in a safe and kind neighborhood. I'm thankful that I'm a counselor and that I am entrusted with the lives of so many over the years. I'm thankful that as mediators we can help bring a little more peace to our world.

I'm thankful for the little miracles I see in life every day and for all that I can't now recall and that I at times take for granted.

I'm thankful for people who have mentored and helped me along my life's journey: Dr. John Keshock (JCU), Fred Vosen, Dr. Sally Wertheim (JCU), the teachers at NDA, my friend Fr. Tom Johns, my sister Jaye who has become a dear friend, Ann Clark, Terry Whalen, my classmates from St. Michael's who still meet monthly for lunch, Norma Delp, Albert Couch (our mediation teacher), my professional colleagues who have taught me so much. I have left many out, but they are not forgotten in my heart.

It is humbling to have all this and more for which I give thanks. On our wedding day, Fr. Tom told John and me that now together we have even more responsibility to do more for others and that more will be expected of us. We never forget that as we give thanks for abundant blessings.

Painting sells for $42.6M

2010-11-23T17:59:00.000-05:00

Is anyone else bothered by this? A Lichtenstein painting, "Ohhh...Alright..." sold for a whopping $42.6M recently. Following that sale, Andy Warhol's Campbell soup can and opener went for a mere $23.9M (disappointing to some apparently who estimated it might go for up to $50M).

Pick a spot. Any spot on earth: Haiti, El Salvador, Appalachia, Africa. Does a painting justify that amount of money when people are struggling just to live through another day?

Don't get me wrong. I love the arts. I just think we should love people more.

2020 Vision - Where In the World Will Mediation Be In 10 Years?

2010-11-17T19:18:00.000-05:00

This is a long article by Michael Leathes, but well worth reading for a brief history of mediation and a projection of where the emerging field will be as a profession in 2020.

2020 Vision - Where In the World Will Mediation Be In 10 Years?

Honoring our veterans

2010-11-11T15:09:00.001-05:00

Today I took a dear friend who is a Viet Nam veteran (Marine)to lunch. We didn't talk about the war but spent most of the time catching up on family and personal matters. I could have attended one of many Veteran's Day ceremonies throughout the city like I did last year, but today I wanted to personalize it. It's not too late to do something to honor a vet today. Attend a memorial event, surprise her/him with a treat, thank them, say a prayer.

On another matter germaine to the day, why do government employees get a holiday, but veterans go to work? Why is this not a national holiday like Memorial Day?

Hats off to Caregivers

2010-11-09T11:39:00.001-05:00

President Obama recently declared November as National Family Caregivers Month. Professional caregivers choose this professional because they have a passion for helping people in need and receive appropriate training. Non-professional caregivers, on the other hand, are often put in a position by default or choose to help their loved ones who are ill or incapacitated, and have little training. They "learn as they go," juggle their own families,careers and commitments along with their caregiver responsibilities.

So blessings on those caregivers who wear so many hats...chauffeur, cook, financial supporter, medicine dispenser, schedule organizer, decision-maker, and often a shoulder to cry on. We tip our hats to you!

Elder Mediation: What's in a Name?

2010-10-31T08:43:00.001-04:00

I just came across a 2009 blog by Stephanie West Allen re: our book, Elder Mediation: A New Solution to Age-Old Problems. Believe it or not, I agree with her re: not liking the Elder Mediation (EM) term because 1) it seems lopsided in focus, excluding everyone else involved in the conflict and 2) older adults do not like the term “elder,” especially in America.

However, in researching for our book, we found that the term is fairly well established among mediators. From inside the profession, we all know what it means; for consumers, it’s not commonly known. I think ACR has a new division for EM, but it is called something else that is more inclusive. Since our target market is largely the mediation community, we went with the more familiar term EM.

Who knows what in 50 years it will be called. I like Stephanie West's term intergenerational mediation; have also seen it under family mediation. However, these seem to exclude the organizational issues from nursing home/AL, physician/older adult disputes, funeral home/family disputes, etc. Am looking forward to seeing how the field unfolds and what term “wins out” in the end.

Interestingly, during the last 10 years or so, the topic of what to call people over 60 has come up a lot at professional planning meetings I’ve attended. We’ve asked these folks what they prefer to be called, and many of them can’t agree. Here in Ohio, they don’t like the terms senior, older, golden-ager, elder, late life adult…They’re not sure what to call themselves either!

The dialogue continues...

Dr. John Bertschler featured speaker Nov. 1

2010-10-29T12:17:00.001-04:00

eCare Diary

Susan Baida, eCareDiary blogtalk radio host, will interview Dr. John on Monday, November 1, 2 PM EST on the topic of Elder Mediation and caregiver decision-making. Please see link.

Reflection on Chilean Miners Rescue

2010-10-13T07:36:00.001-04:00

Last night I was reading James Patterson's novel Cross Country in which the author tells of Alex Cross's horrifying trip to Africa to find a killer of a friend of his and her family. Killings, rapes, slashings, explosions all in the end because of international greed and power. Each incident is filled with terror, tears, screams, agony. While this is a novel, we know that these atrocities occur on a daily basis in many parts of the world.

Juxtaposed with that, I am watching the live video stream of the rescue of the 33 Chilean miners as they ascend from the depths to cheers, high-fives, hugs, kisses and tears of joy. I am amazed at the precision of technical planning, the respect in giving each miner a few minutes with his family, the preparation for psychological transition in the months ahead that went into this rescue. People using their minds and hearts for good on this earth.

My simple take-away, among others, is that we each have a choice to do good or evil during our time here. Most of us are only spectators of the heart-rending rescue in Chile. But we will go to work, interact with our families and cross paths with many people today who are in need of some small act of kindness, a smile, a favor, a shoulder to lean on. I lift up in prayer all those who make a choice for the good in our own corner of the world.

Five Sure-Fire Ways To Cause Conflict At Work

2010-10-05T23:10:00.000-04:00

Five Sure-Fire Ways To Cause Conflict At Work

On-Going Lessons of 9/11

2010-09-04T12:54:00.004-04:00

As we near the ninth anniversary of the attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, I'm struck by the variety of ways in which people are anticipating 9/11.

Great debate over whether Muslims should build a mosque/community center two blocks from the WTC site has sides quickly forming. President Obama and others believe that because we are after all a free country, relgious groups have rights to build there. At the other end of the spectrum is Pastor Terry Jones, ironically of the Dove World Outreach Church in Gainesville, Florida, who initiated an International Burn the Koran Day.

Muslims themselves are considering how they should appropriately and sensitively celebrate the end of Ramadan which this year coincides with September 10, 11 or 12. Some insist they will not be bullied into changing their celebration of the end of their fast to another date since Muslims follow the Lunar calendar and are not acting out of disrespect; others are open to holding their prayer and festivals on the 10th or 12th out of respect for the tragedy of the 11th.

Still other groups such as the Women Transcending Boundaries initiative are planning A-OK, Acts of Kindness Weekend. Leaders are encouraging citizens to involve themselves in helping a charity or creating a project to help the needy. I'm more in tuned with them.

On the first anniversary of 9/11, I was asked to give a keynote address to a regional Chamber of Commerce group. I found my notes the other day, part of which reflected on the lessons we could learn from that devastating day in our country.

1. Abandon all hope of a better past (L.R. Bollings). I can't change what happened nine years ago, or even last week or a minute ago. I can only hope to change the present. Deepak Chopra in Seven Spiritual Laws of Success calls it "the gift of the present moment."

2. Be kind now. Mother Teresa once said, "I would rather make mistakes in kindness and compassion than work miracles in unkindess and hardness." Don't put off a kindness.

3. Examine my values and set my priorities. If I say I value family and friends yet spend the majority of my time working and taking little time for them, then my true value is work or money. Even if I am working to make money for my family, my value is that upon which I act: my work. The rest is a wish.

4. Concentrate on what I can control. Whether in my business or personal life, it is important to stay focused on my attitude, my decisions, my conversations, my relationships. I have control over the words I choose, over my negativity or positivity, over the quality of my work, over my ethical decisions. I have little immediate control over the terrorists or other evil in this life.

5. Practice mindfulness. Take time each day to become more aware of the little things in life. Slow down my breathing, be aware of the miracle that is this body of mine...or of the green grass...of a child's whimsy...of my need to quiet myself...to reflect...to pray at times.

6. Practice gratitude. If we haven't learn antother thing, it's that we Americans can no longer take for granted so much of what we did in the past: our freedom, our ability to move about without much anxiety or fearfulness, our reliance on even the freshness of the air we breathe. Be grateful. Show that we appreciate our family members, our friends, our ability to earn a living, our health, our freedom to worship, to vote and so much more.

7. Volunteer. I may not have the courage of the firefighters and others who tried to save those in the Towers or who brought down a plane in Pennsylvania, but I can take some time to be a helper in my own right. If you are not already involved in a charity or civic group, start today to find one and take action.

I am certain there are other lessons to learn from 9/11. The permanent mark of that day is something we decide for ourselves.

Forgiveness and Second Chances

2010-08-17T11:28:00.001-04:00

I wish I knew Bernie Kosar personally, especially after reading his story by sports writer Terry Pluto (The Plain Dealer, August 14, 2010), “Former quarterback begins second half”. Bernie’s first half of life was full of ups and down…the ups very high (beloved Cleveland Brown’s quarterback from 1985 – 1993, beautiful family, side businesses) and the downs very low (dropped from the team by Coach Bill Belichick mid-season, nasty divorce, bankruptcy).
What I most admire is that Kosar doesn’t hold grudges even against people who changed his life so drastically when he thought he lost everything. This example of forgiveness is one from which we can all learn. Not only has Kosar had a second chance to create a new life, but he has given painful relationships the same respect and courtesy by forgiving.
In our mediation practice, there are times when the question of forgiveness arises…a spouse who apologizes for not speaking to his ex for two years since the divorce and affecting the kids’ relationship; a physician who apologizes for miscommunication with a patient; an older parent who apologizes to his adult children for not being there enough as they were being raised. When the apology is followed by forgiveness of those offended, the seeds of healing are planted.
Of course not every apology is well received and forgiveness is denied the “offender.” But for those who, like Kosar, choose not to hold grudges and give the gift of forgiveness, the second chance is all the sweeter.

Peace is not for wimps

2010-05-30T10:03:00.005-04:00

Many famous peacemakers--Martin Luther King, John Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Gandhi, Jesus--have been killed for their efforts. Most of us can give our lives as peacemakers without fear of martyrdom. Author Henri Nouwen says, "Peace is Shalom--well-being of mind, heart and body individually and communally. It can exist in the midst of a war-torn world, even in the midst of unresolved problems and increasing human conflicts." I can be a peacemaker in the simplest, though not necessarily easiest of ways. Really listen to someone I don't care for. Pay attention at work to someone who is hurting and offer a kind word or a prayer. Secretly do an unexpected good deed. Deepak Chopra says in his Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, "Always being a gift." He doesn't mean a purchased one. It could be a smile, a flower, a shoulder to lean on. Find someone today who could use a little peace and bring it.

What Memorial Day Really Means

2010-05-28T10:44:00.002-04:00

My dad served in the US Air Force just as WWII ended. He didn't speak much about his days in the military, but it was how he lived, how he and mom raised our family, how he served his church and community that I also honor on Memorial Day. A friend sent this piece about what we owe our veterans. Thank you, Dad and all past and present verterans for giving us so much that we often take for granted.

It is the VETERAN, not the preacher,
who has given us freedom of religion.

It is the VETERAN, not the reporter,
who has given us freedom of the press.

It is the VETERAN, not the poet,
who has given us freedom of speech.

It is the VETERAN, not the campus organizer,
who has given us freedom to assemble.

It is the VETERAN, not the lawyer,
who has given us the right to a fair trial.

It is the VETERAN, not the politician,
who has given us the right to vote.

It is the VETERAN who salutes the Flag.

Check out my @constantcontact newsletter

2010-05-18T23:45:00.000-04:00

Check out my @constantcontact newsletter

On getting older

2010-05-17T12:35:00.004-04:00

This morning, 350 people attended an Older Adult Day of Reflection Resource Fair at St. Basil Church in Brecksville,Ohio. I was invited as one of the "resources," and since our table was in a prime location near the entrance, I got to chat with about 1/2 the group as they passed by on their way to lunch. Plus I had a bowl of Tootsie Rolls next to my business cards making it harder for them to resist stopping by.

My overall impression of these elders is that they seem to be in a good place--at home in their skin, not worried about what others think of how they look or dress or what kind of job used to have. Most were talkative, aware, kind and appreciative of the morning's Mass with Bishop Pevec, time of reflection, resources available to them and luncheon.

Whether walking on their own, in wheel chairs or with walkers, they showed up. A great lesson for us all. Show up in life. Participate. Smile. Offer a kind word. Crack a joke. Be at home in your own skin. These simple life lessons our elders still teach us.

Got $10?

2010-05-04T23:26:00.003-04:00

For the cost of Cover Girl lip color/gloss, a few bags of potato chips or a few Starbucks coffees, you can help the homeless. Some friends of mine published a recipe book (cost $10) and the proceeds all go to Cleveland's Metanoia Hopistality Center--a homeless shelter for men and women which offers lodging, meals, supplies and help with low-income housing. Almost all employees of the Center were once homeless! Their recipe book is called Room at the Table and includes a few recipes from the homeless themselves. If you'd like to order a copy, please contact St. Matthias Church in Parma, Ohio by calling (440) 888-8220. I've already made the Tomato Pie and Spinach Bars...delicious!

Are you shy?

2010-05-01T11:38:00.003-04:00

This morning I'm thinking about my great niece Brittany who is 10. She's not at all shy at home, but put her among strangers or ask her if she wants to become an altar server, she reverts to a wall flower. So she has both tendencies right now, and we'll see in the future what her dominant natural preference will be: introvert or extrovert.

While it makes sense that introverted people may be shy, believe it or not, people we might consider extroverted can be shy as well in certain situations.

Some of history’s finest thinkers, artists, musicians and creative developers suffered from social phobia. It is said that Thomas Jefferson gave almost no public speeches because of this. Some of the world’s richest and most successful people are challenged by social phobia, including Microsoft founder Paul Allen and author and Prairie Home Companion radio show host Garrison Keillor, Queen Elizabeth, Johnny Carson and others who would surprise you.

The clinical term for shyness is social phobia, which can manifest itself in a lack of confidence, discomfort in social settings, the inability to think quickly on your feet or more.

While charming in young children, shyness in adults can prove to be a barrier in social and business settings and can lead to missed opportunities for pleasant experiences and career advancement. In addition, a shy person may also be reluctant to be assertive, communicating his or her needs in a way that others treat them with respect.

The good news is that that help is available. With more than 20 years of experience as Professional Clinical Counselor, I've helped many clients learn successful ways to combat their shyness and enrich their personal and professional relationship. You don’t really get over shyness, but there are so many helps for changing shy behaviors and becoming more confident.

As a shy introvert myself, and based on my own experiences struggling with this challenge and the help I've given my clients, I recently published “88 Tips for Shy Introverts: Becoming Personally and Professionally Assertive.” This practical booklet can be used as a guide and checklist to make communication and behavioral changes quickly.

Here are a few tips from the booklet:

#19. Respond to disrespectful remarks by respectfully saying, "I'd never allow anyone to talk to you like that." Then walk away or hang up the phone.

#5. Be decisive. When someone asks your opinion, e.g., where you want to eat lunch or what movies to see, etc., give an answer. Avoid "I don't care" or "whatever" responses.

#10. Compliment a stranger. Become comfortable giving a compliment to someone in the cafeteria, on a bus, in the library. Say, "I love your shoes," or "What a great golf shirt." Putting others at ease is a first step in gaining confidence and setting a comfortable tone for a conversation.

TODAY'S ACTION:

Give a sincere compliment to a stranger at church, in the mall, at a gas station...wherever you are. Notice his/her reaction and how you feel as a result.

Patti's Blog

2010-04-29T15:14:00.002-04:00

This is my first blog, so please bear with me as I become more techno-savvy. Professionally, I'm a clinical counselor, mediator, author and presenter.

I look forward to our exchanges, especially if you have tips and practical information to offer our readers.